November 13, 2012

When My Husband Came Out as a Woman

(This post was originally published at Good Vibrations Online Magazine.)

June 30, 2007
My husband came out to me as a woman this summer, three days after our five-year wedding anniversary. We were supposed to have our first date with a babysitter that night, but she bailed on us. Instead, we went out as a family for an afternoon drink at the local pub, fresh from the pool where I spent pretty much every day this summer with our four-year-old daughter.

It was a damn good wedding anniversary. I think we were both feeling that our marriage had arrived at its strongest ever. He gave me a delicate diamond ring; my own, my style, as opposed to the hand-me-down I got from his mom when we married. And he read me the vows that afternoon in the sun at the pub's deck over beers; the vows he never got around to writing five years before. It was precious.

November 9, 2012

The Sexual Chronicles of a French Family {featured trailer}

My apologies for my absence this past month; I've been busy with events in conjunction with the launch of my new book After Pornified: How Women Are Transforming Pornography & Why It Really Matters (Zer0 Books, October 2012). I returned from Europe only last week where the official launch party took place at Berlin Porn Film Festival, the leading international film festival for progressive artistic sex film. I attended the entire five-day festival and saw an amazing array of films.

October 8, 2012

Regretters {featured trailer}

Regretters is the amazing widely prize-awarded Swedish documentary featuring the candid conversation between two men who both decided to change their sex only to later regret it. This is a hugely soulful and powerful film for anyone—straight, trans, or queer—who cares about navigating gender and identity in our sadly gender claustrophobic culture.


Regretters Trailer from Atmo on Vimeo.

October 2, 2012

Walk Like a Slut

I took my then three-year-old daughter to SlutWalk last year because I want her to grow up knowing nobody has the right to tell her avoiding rape is her responsibility. Or that she needs to police her look and behavior but a boy does not. As another mother said, she brought her six-year-old daughter because "she wanted her daughter to know that nobody has a right to her body." Her body is hers and no one has the right to do anything to it that she doesn't want.

Heading to the walk, I told my daughter SlutWalk is about celebrating girls and women. She said we should celebrate boys too.

Indeed. We need to foster a culture where boys and girls respect and trust each other. Where girls' and boys' fears and insecurities about sexuality—including when it comes to their own budding bodies as well as those of the opposite sex—are addressed. Through positive sex education that equips both girls and boys to approach sex with knowledge, respect and integrity.

Boys who "can't help themselves" are boys who've been shamed into wrongly thinking this is in fact so.

September 25, 2012

Survival Tips for Trans Youth {featured resource}

Young people living outside of gender norms are everywhere. Whether in the process of transitioning from male to female or vice versa; identifying outside boxes; or gender-nonconforming, the spectrum of gender identities is more visible than ever before.

Serious legal and other obstacles abound, however, and these can be especially daunting for young people who are transgender or gender-nonconforming (TGNC). The challenges of changing one’s name, finding access to hormones or enduring police brutality, for instance, demand a distinctly adult set of skills and can take their toll on a young person. Survival Tips for Trans Youth (Lambda Legal)
Lambda Legal is an amazing resource working towards a world without discrimination and inequality. They make the case for equality in the nation’s courts, and through education and policy work. Their work touches on nearly every aspect of life for lesbians, gay men, bisexuals, transgender people and people living with HIV of all ages.

Lambda also offers extensive information via their publications including a blog, magazine, tool kits, articles and more. Survival Tips for Trans Youth is an informative four-page legal guide for trans people and their advocates published online at Lambda where you can download it for free (PDF-file).

(Photo from Survival Tips for Trans Youth

September 24, 2012

Sugar on Love, Sex, and Life {featured book}

Tiny Beautiful Things: Advice on Love and Life from Dear Sugar is, despite the cheesy title, an incredibly poetic and powerful collection of personal and profound little essays. Written by Cheryl Strayed, the author of Wild: From Lost to Found on the Pacific Crest Trail, which was also published this past year (in fact, the two books have spent several simultaneous weeks on the New York Times bestseller list recently), these meditations on love, life, family, relationship, and sex are in fact columns published at The Rumpus written in response to readers' letters.

Strayed responds to a diverse variety of questions and concerns, which include dating after divorce, not wanting to settle, cheating, dealing with affairs, healing from child sex abuse, overcoming miscarriage, navigating high school dating dramas, dealing with one's partner's sexual past and fetishes, communicating about sex and our real sexual selves, second thoughts, coming out gay, being transgender, getting over an ex in a time of Facebook and Twitter, what happily after really means, and more.

Strayed's work is well-worth the read. I first picked up her memoir Wild because I so loved Lidia Yuknavitch's The Chronology of Water featuring one woman's journey from loss and hurt to empowerment and peace through the rugged path of alcohol, drugs, and a lot of sex, and the two books seemed like they might have some things in common.

September 17, 2012

50 Shades of Obsessing with Spanking

The current Fifty Shades of Grey mania has apparently gotten more women into spanking lately. Sex-toy shops gleefully report an increase in sale of bondage toys; even hardware stores are reporting an influx of new customers — mostly women — shopping for rope.

People are drawn to bondage for all sorts of reasons. In our stressed out culture, surrendering control can appear highly appealing. Others might be drawn to it because a blindfold and intenser sensations can help them focus. Some may be drawn to it as a path of psychological transformation. And to some it may be a fetish that stems from childhood experiences of abuse

September 14, 2012

Shop High-end Pleasure Objects from LELO at Love, Sex, and Family


Love, Sex, and Family is a proud affiliate of LELO, the Swedish brand of high-end pleasure objects. Committed to style, safety, and functionality, all items come with a 1-year warranty and 10-year quality guarantee. Whenever a Love, Sex, and Family reader makes a purchase from LELO after clicking on any of the LELO links on this page, we get a small commission of the sales value.

SMART WAND (MEDIUM), LYLA 2, TIANI 2, ODEN 2

About LELO:
LELO is the world's leading designer brand for intimate lifestyle products. On launching in 2003, LELO transformed the look, feel and function of how personal massagers were perceived, and now applies the same commitment to quality and innovation through bedroom accessories, massage oils, soy massage candles and a premium line of silk intimate apparel. LELOi AB is the Swedish company behind LELO, and also holds the Intimina and PicoBong brands under the LELO group, where offices extend from Stockholm to San Jose, from Sydney to Shanghai.

Why We Must Oppose the Minnesota Marriage Amendment {featured contributor}

By Stacey L. Klempnauer

Stacey L. Klempnauer
This November Minnesotans will vote on the marriage amendment. We will vote on whether or not marriage should be strictly between a man and a woman, and whether we should amend our state constitution to say that a marriage cannot be between two people of the same sex. I will be voting “No” and I want to share with you my reasons why.

First, I am very concerned about the message we are sending to our children. If this amendment passes, we are saying that lesbians and gays are second class citizens, not worthy of the same rights as those of us who are not gay. This message does not serve anyone in a useful way. It’s a message that promotes bullying – an issue that schools are currently battling, poor self-esteem in anyone who is deemed different, and fear in those who already feel marginalized and alone. And unfortunately, we have only to look at Anoka Hennepin Schools to see that an unaccepting attitude can also have an enormous impact on teen suicide.

August 31, 2012

Free to Be You and Me vs. Gender Claustrophobia

I've been thinking a lot about gender claustrophobia lately and this week in particular. And not just gender claustrophobia as in me, a woman, feeling choked by stereotypical notions of what it means to be a "man" or a "woman," but in terms of how the multitude of labels for various gender identities out there can feel choking and confining too.

As I wrote a couple of weeks ago, I first came across the term gender claustrophobia in the context not of "straight" people but among queer people who felt constrained by all the limited understandings of "homosexual," even within their own communities. I've always felt freer in queer communities, but the fact that within those too there's gender claustrophobia: well, that really struck me. It hit right home.

August 23, 2012

Clearing Space for Children To Explore Gender {featured resource}

In We Can Give Them Words: Clearing Space for Children To Explore Gender, Anna Cook of The Feminist Librarian offers her own positive advice and an overview over further resources for parents to normalize gender, sex, and sexuality variance for their children. Excerpt: "Don’t conflate gender expression with sexual preference. Our culture does this constantly, whether in the assumption that princess boys will grow up to be gay or that women who are butch sleep exclusively with lipstick lesbians. [...]

Sexuality in the adult sense is something we grow into. It’s a process. And presuming adult sexual preferences for a child — whether it’s teasing them about a playground “boyfriend” or assuming their gender non-conformity will lead to same-sex desire — is unfairly boxing them into predetermined categories. [...]

August 14, 2012

Talking Sexual Fluidity with My Preschooler

I've had an ongoing discussion about her body and sexuality with my daughter before she could verbally talk. Most recently, that conversation has broadened to address the wide range of sexual fluidity among people. The "new" normal is that there is no "normal," as Dr. Peggy Drexler points out. People experience a wide range of gender identity and sexual orientation, and expressions of gender and desire vary.

Yet, people have an urge to label; to fix into neat categories. I get that "labels can be a good way to build community and find yourself, but they can become a problem if someone feels restricted or constrained by them," as the blogger of "monochrome in the 1960s" puts it. I've always felt constricted by them. When I was doing research on gender and sexuality in Norway a few years back, I came across the term gender claustrophobia. And not just among women and men feeling pigeonholed as "cisgender" or "straight" — walking manifestations of a heteronormative culture — but among queer women and men who felt constrained by limited understandings of lesbian and gay, even within their communities.

August 7, 2012

We Are Family: Sex and Developmental Disabilities

This past weekend, I took my four-year-old to a Summer Fun Day Picnic at Laura Baker Services Association (LBSA), a local school and home of many children and adults with developmental disabilities where my husband works as the family support services director and volunteer coordinator. This past spring, we offered a workshop to his colleagues on sex and developmental disabilities, and we've been asked to organize another one this fall, specifically to share curriculum and ideas with staff on how to teach clients about their bodies and sexuality.

In fact, I don't have too much experience interacting with people with developmental disabilities, but I believe firmly in their sexual rights. Sadly, all too many stereotypes linger around people with developmental disabilities, denying them ownership of their bodies and a healthy relationship with their sexuality. As is commonly reported in research on this topic, the fact that individuals who have developmental disabilities are also sexual beings is often overlooked by those who care for them, including guardians, support staff and even healthcare professionals.

July 31, 2012

This Is My Body {featured video}

Watch this and be empowered and inspired. The video and its resources speak for themselves.


This Is My Body from Jason Stefaniak on Vimeo.

This Is My Body Facebook Page.

Story on This Is My Body from Ms. Magazine blog via Care2.

July 18, 2012

After Pornified: How Women Are Transforming Pornography & Why It Really Matters {featured book}

Since pre-ordering at Amazon US and Amazon UK is now available for my book After Pornified: How Women Are Transforming Pornography & Why It Really Matters, a note about it here seems appropriate. After Pornified — where female pornmakers lead the way, empowering women to claim their bodies and sex against a pornified culture — seeks to empower and inspire women, and men, to own and explore their bodies and sexualities against pornified media, erotic clichés, and claustrophobic gender stereotypes.

Zer0 Books — the Culture, Society, and Politics imprint of John Hunt Publishing — is my publisher. I am proud to be a part of their team of authors whose discourse is "intellectual without being academic, popular without being populist." The Guardian ran a feature on Zer0 Books this past winter, describing Zer0 Books as "One of the most exciting radical presses at the moment. ... Zer0 titles are commissioned, edited and published quickly — and that energy and velocity carries through to the writing itself. Zer0 writers share an ability to write passionately, avoiding the clunky prose of academia and generating new lines of inquiry rather than just regurgitating critical clichés."— This seems like a good fit for me.

From the publisher's page:
Porn brings up a lot of negative images in our sexualized, pornified culture. But today a growing number of women are radically changing porn to authentically capture with respect and realism the sexual lives of women and men, empowering and inspiring the viewer to claim her sexuality against a pornified culture, and creating a real counterweight to pornified media and porn as it’s been known. Porn affects us. Today, women are leading the way to make those effects positive. After Pornified lets you see how.

July 10, 2012

Magic Mike: A Frolicking Celebration of Male Sexuality

Salon staff writer Tracy Clark-Flory accuses Steven Soderbergh's new movie "Magic Mike" for "devaluing women’s sexuality and desire" while turning male stripping into an "unsexy" "parodic" thing: "goofball, absurd and sometimes repulsive." On the contrary, I would argue that "Magic Mike" — marketed as a stripper rom com — offers us a frolicking celebration of male sexuality enjoyed both by the male strippers and their female audiences.

As a university student in Seattle, I joined a few of my male friends at a female strip club. What saddened me the most, was the lack of joy in both the women's performance and among the male audience. Sure, my friends were laughing, yet not for joy but derision. Derision at the other guys who'd slink into their seats, and derision at the detached, formulaic performance by the female strippers.

July 2, 2012

More Women Enjoy Sex Postpartum {featured news}

Women's sexual desire is so often either criticized as absent or derided as uncontrolled: rarely is it respectfully approached in its wholesome wholeness, especially in the case of new moms' sex. Which is why this new study documenting women's sexual desire and behavior postpartum is so welcome to me. Yes; women postpartum are often too tired and over-touched for "sex." That does not mean they are not sexual or that they do not experience sexual desire and pleasure.

I labored for 64 hours before giving birth to my child due to some scar tissue on my cervix; intercourse hurt for a year after that. That said, a sexual life and sexual pleasure returned to me before those 6 recommended weeks of "abstinence only."

Below are a few quotations from an article reporting on this new study on what new moms reveal regarding the truth about postpartum sex that rung true to me:

June 25, 2012

Woman Fights Right Not to Cover Up at Pool {featured news}

Jodi Jaecks
Public nudity is allowed in Seattle but this woman — Jodi Jaecks who has undergone bilateral mastectomy and who describes herself as an androgynous lesbian woman — was told to cover up at a city pool.

Apparently, Seattle Parks and Recreation officials felt that the exposed scars would upset the "family friendly" environment they seek for their pools. I wonder what they think would be most unsettling: the scars as reminders of cancer or the scars as reminders of the breasts that once were.

Not only is wearing a post-mastectomy swimsuit uncomfortable for Jaecks, she also stresses that baring her scars is important because it was the photo of a mother who had undergone a mastectomy lying freely on a beach with her children that first inspired her to get a mastectomy, rather than a less-invasive procedure. A drastic decision, it ultimately freed her from fear of more frequent surgeries, mammogram checks and possible cancer resurgence.

June 20, 2012

The Fluidity of Male Sexual Desire {featured read}

The fluidity of female sexual desire is given increasing attention whereas male sexual desire is typically dismissed as either straight or gay. Gender studies professor, writer and blogger Hugo Schwyzer takes this to task in a recent post at The Good Men Project, rightly arguing that "We accept that women’s sexuality is remarkably fluid. That’s a good thing, as that recognition opens up a whole world of possibility. But the flip side is the continued insistence that male sexuality is static, simple, and comes in only two distinct flavors: gay or straight.

That thinking doesn’t just sell bisexual guys short. It reinforces the toxic myth that men can never have inner lives as rich, complex, and surprising as women so evidently do."

Sharing his own bisexual experiences, Hugo's post is a compelling read. I highly recommend it.

The Good Men Project: Mythbusting Bisexual Men

A few highlights:

June 18, 2012

New Cultural Trends of Becoming or Not a Mother {featured reads}

Two recent articles on new cultural trends regarding motherhood struck my attention. The first was a news feature reporting on so called "choice moms:" women who in the end opt for single motherhood while hoping to find a co-parent/spouse later on. The article explains this trend in terms of men taking longer to mature and women not wanting to settle for less or miss out on their chance of motherhood.

The second is a personal essay by a single woman in the last year of her thirties faced with the very real possibility of not becoming a mom. Reflecting on the cultural and peer pressures of becoming a mom and joining the motherhood party — as also recounted in a recent New York Times Motherlode post — she makes a compelling plea that we recognize the party of those who do not become moms too:

June 11, 2012

Talking Sex with My Three-Year-Old: From Baby-Making to Self-Pleasuring and More

I've been talking sex quite a bit this past year with our three-year-old. Most recently, at almost four, the conversation has focused a lot on conception and birth, primarily because she'd love for us to make another baby, and also because she's been wanting to look at pictures from when she was very little, including in my womb. We look at pictures of my big pregnant belly and those documenting her birth. She gets that it hurts to push a baby out of a tiny vagina.

Because we've been teaching her the correct names for all body parts, she is quite comfortable with the concepts of penis and vagina. I've explained to her that papa's penis enters mama's vagina where it releases tiny sperm cells that swim as best as they can to find an egg in my womb. Anatomically this seems to make good sense to her; she came upon my husband and I one weekend afternoon in bed with him on top of me in fact trying to conceive a child (and no; I haven't gone into different positions with her). In terms of what happens inside my body, she in fact seems to grasp quite beautifully the internal encounter of the sperm and the egg, as I report in this post.

June 4, 2012

The Fluidity of Women's Sexual Desire {featured news}

A team of Norwegian researchers has found that women, unlike men, feel hornier in the spring because their sex drive is more affected by external circumstances, including light and sun. Sunlight is known to have an impact on the amount of various hormones, such as endorphins, produced by the body and an explanatory factor determining heightened sexual activity. Reports The Local,
According to sexologist Bente Træen at the University of Tromsø, men's sexuality is considered to be more stable while women's is more affected by surroundings and by menstruation. She argued that while men produce testosterone all the time, female hormones affecting sexual interest increase as the amount of daylight increases. "This is connected to the feeling of being in love and the secretion of dopamine, which stimulates the pleasure centre in the brain."
I'm intrigued by the fluidity of female sexuality, also addressed in this New York Times feature on male and female sexuality:

May 29, 2012

Stranger-Danger Message Puts Kids at Risk

The arrest of a man who's confessed to killing 6-year old Etan Patz in 1979 has gotten people abuzz about the dangers of strangers. "Stranger-danger, remember?!" I overheard a mom warn her daughter at the playground on the beach this past weekend. But children are rarely abducted by strangers. In fact, the vast majority is abducted by family members. Likewise, in 90% of all instances of child sexual abuse, the offender knows the child. Nevertheless, the stranger-danger message continues to feed a fear instilled culture. But it does not help protect children. Reports NPR:
Fear doesn't work. Don't simply tell kids to avoid talking to strangers, because they'll encounter lots of them, whether it's bus drivers or parents of other children. Teach them how to interact with strangers — and also when to feel wary around people they already know. Trying to supervise kids constantly may be less effective than teaching them how to look out for themselves.

May 21, 2012

Separate Beds Make for Happier Couples? {featured read}

Our paper ran a feature this past weekend on how separate sleep keeps the peace for couples. Apparently, about 25 % of all couples already do sleep in different beds or bedrooms, and it makes good sense to me. Different reading-in-bed habits. Snoring. Oven hot bodies. Squirminess. And more. For me, whether I share a bed with my husband or not at night has nothing to do with the quality of our sex life. On the contrary, separate rooms might spice things up. And allow us both to indulge a bit more in our own idiosyncratic preferences. Had we the space, I'd vote for it.

I'd like to hear what you all think. Check out the article with input from various separate-bed couples and tell me what you think in my comments section below.

Featured read: A separate sleep keeps the peace

May 14, 2012

Teen Sexuality, Becoming a Feminist, and Riot Grrrl {featured read}

Tomas Moniz of Rad Dad 22 has written a powerful essay on becoming a feminist, teaching his teenage girls about sexuality, and in general navigating class, race, politics, and warped attitudes to fathering. I heartily recommend the entire piece. Below is an excerpt.

The other day I found myself exclaiming to my two daughters, sixteen and fourteen respectively, don’t have sex until you’re in your twenties, but here are some condoms. 
I’m not sure if there is a better example of sending a mixed message.
I should explain.  The other night I discovered my oldest daughter had spent the night with her boyfriend. 
Now, I have consistently brought up sex with them and with their older brother who now lives on his own with a gaggle of twenty something young men in West Oakland.  And I have consistently been rebuffed, scoffed at, silenced by their stares, punctuated with a rolling of the eyes or a sigh of exhaustion.
‘Dad, please…..’
But I don’t let it stop me.  I know I’m not someone they want to confide in, and I actually cringe thinking about it if they did.  But I want to approach the discussion of their bodies, their rights, sex in general differently than the terse warning I received from my father to keep my dick in my pants or the silence around the subject from my mother.

May 7, 2012

Are You Celebrating May National Mastrubation Month?

The Examiner featured an article last week on why we still need to celebrate National Masturbation Month in May. It's a good read: Is May really National Masturbation Month?

And if you have kids, here's a link to my article on how to talk about masturbation with kids.

Observing national masturbation month last year, Love, Sex, and Family produced this little video, featuring me and my husband; co-founders of Love, Sex, and Family. Enjoy May! Solo or together.

April 30, 2012

April 23, 2012

The Psychological Underpinnings of Submission & Domination

Has spanking gone mainstream? asks Katie Roiphe in a Newsweek cover story in response to all the hype around the Twilight fanfiction slash "mommy porn" bestseller Fifty Shades of Grey. Roiphe notes the coincidence of this trend of women eagerly consuming fantasies of submission at a time when women are "in hard economic terms" less subjugated or dependent by men than before. May it be "that power is not always that comfortable, even for those of us who grew up in it ... that equality is something we want only sometimes and in some places and in some arenas .... that power and all of its imperatives can be boring"?

The theory of modern powerful women seeking submission for some reprieve is alluring, but is there much holding it up? Dr. Laura Berman supports the theory, arguing that "There are type A, alpha women who need to be in control of absolutely everything in their homes, in their children's lives, in their families' lives. They're deciding where they go on vacation, what kind of clothes their husband wears. A lot of these women grew up with lots of inhibitions and they're overwhelmed and exhausted by the need to control everything. For them, this is an exciting and erotic fantasy."

April 16, 2012

The Queer X Show: Feminist and Sex-Positive Sluts on Stage {featured film}

Emilie Jouvet
(Photo: Mélanie Bahuon)
Emilie Jouvet is one of the most exciting voices to look for within the movement of new, progressive sex film and porn. Firstly, her films are intriguing for their cinematic quality, delivering a raw, gritty, textured, underground, art house feel. And conceptually, they uniquely communicate the poignant poetics of French feminist theory, as well as the visceral soul of American queer activism. Fittingly, her latest film, Too Much Pussy! Feminist Sluts in the Queer X Show (2011), features both American and French performers, including Madison Young, a well-known San Francisco-based feminist, BDSM pornographer, and queer activist; and Wendy Delorme, a French performance artist and author of among others the feminist manifesto Quatrième Génération (Fourth Generation). She also co-wrote Too Much Pussy! with Emilie.

April 11, 2012

Debunking Claims about the Biology of Male Attraction to Teens {featured news}

National Review columnist John Derbyshire was fired this past weekend for his appalling remarks about blacks. But, notes gender studies professor, writer, and speaker Hugo Schwyzer, Derbyshire has expressed appalling remarks about women too, insinuating that women’s attractiveness begins to diminish before they’re old enough to buy a legal beer. Explains Schwyzer today at Role/Reboot: Derbyshire wrote in 2005 that “a woman's salad days are shorter than a man's—really, in this precise context, only from about 15 to 20."

In his refreshingly sharp column, Schwyzer debunks the argument that evolutionary psychology or biological imperatives bear Derbyshire out; the idea that men’s ephebophilia (sexual attraction to teens) is a “lamentably universal inevitability.” In response to a note Schwyzer received from a 33 year-old man, David, who expressed a desire to turn off his frequent attraction to high school girls, Schwyzer explains that:

April 9, 2012

Psychology Tomorrow Magazine Kickstarter Campaign {featured news}

Over this past winter, the Intelligent Lust column by Dr. Stanley Siegel, LCSW, gained a large group of followers at  Psychology Today until one post got censored. Then his entire column was removed. Stanley re-posted all his posts at his website, including the one that caused this firestorm, which received over ten thousand readers' visit. Titled Sex Worker or Therapist?, the post addresses the often very therapeutic aspects of sex work as expressed by clients. Interviews with sex workers and escorts also reveal the care they invest in creating positive, healing experiences.

Stanley has more than 40 years of experience as a practicing psychotherapist. He is also the author of several books, including most recently Your Brain on Sex: How Smarter Sex Can Change Your Life. And he is the former Director of Education at New York’s renowned Ackerman Institute for Family Therapy. Objecting to censorship, Stanley has now launched a Kickstarter campaign to support his Psychology Tomorrow, an online magazine that will openly explore the cutting edge of psychology:

April 2, 2012

Talking STDs with Your Kids: The Get Yourself Tested Campaign {featured news}

1 in 2 sexually active people will get an STD by the age of 25. Most won’t know it. Parents, educators, and healthcare providers can make a difference by educating young people about sexual health and STD prevention.

Since 2009, MTV, the Kaiser Family Foundation, Planned Parenthood Federation of America, the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC), and other partners have been supporting National STD Awareness Month in April with the GYT: Get Yourself Tested campaign to inform young people about STDs, encourage and normalize testing for STDs, and connect young people to testing centers.

March 26, 2012

Safety First: Enjoying Sex Toys Well {featured contributor}

By Carly Morson

Safety First: enjoying sex toys in a way that feels good to you, and that you can feel good about.

Once you have taken the positively wellness-enhancing decision to own an adult toy, it is important to remember that the proper use of sex toys is essential for your health and safety. Please do consider these insights to help you confidently enjoy a pleasure-filled experience.

Material matters, and the safest materials are those that are completely non-porous, such as glass, silicon and metal, largely because they are the easiest to sterilize. Put these toys into the dishwasher, boil them on the stove for several minutes, or wipe down with a bleach solution (10% at minimum). Always remember to clean your toys after each use!

March 19, 2012

Talk with Your Kids about Masturbation

Perhaps you don't feel comfortable with the idea of your child masturbating or self-pleasuring, let alone talking to her about it, but not only can masturbation help your child develop a healthy and positive relationship with her own body, it can support her in avoiding unwanted, negative sexual encounters.

Self-pleasuring is a natural and healthy part of a child's development and begins in early childhood. For toddlers, self-pleasuring is a common and natural method of soothing themselves when they are tired. Most children develop a sense of privacy and sexual modesty within the first years of elementary school, but will gladly masturbate in public full view before that unless encouraged not to do so earlier. Encouraging privacy is fine, but shaming the child for touching herself is not. Any sex educator can tell you that. But how about teaching your child the nuts and bolts of masturbating to help her improve her masturbation techniques?

Knowing what to say "no" to begins with knowing what to say "yes" to. Recognizing and avoiding sexual behavior and activity that feel unwanted and negative, begins with knowing what feels right and good to you. Sex educator Dr. Laura Berman, the author of several books, including Talking To Your Kids About Sex: Turning "The Talk" Into A Conversation For Life, encourages parents to equip children with adequate information and equipment to allow them to masturbate well. (Dr. Berman, who now hosts her own sex advice program at the Oprah Winfrey Network, spoke regularly at the Oprah Winfrey Show when it aired, including on how to talk to kids about masturbation; see for instance this video from an Oprah episode where Dr. Berman gives advice to a mom concerned with her four-year-old masturbating: hint, it's normal). Writes Dr. Berman about teaching teenage girls about masturbation:

March 12, 2012

Gush: Good Releasing's Guide to Female Ejaculation {featured film}

(This post was originally published at Good Vibrations Magazine.)

Gush: The Official Guide to the G-Spot & Female Ejaculation is part of Good Releasing's Pleasure-Ed Series that also includes a guide to cunnilingus and another to fellatio. All feature Good Vibrations staff sexologist Dr. Carol Queen, the Co-Founder of the Center for Sex and Culture. What I would describe as educational porn, each film integrates sex scenes with the sex information.

To answer all the questions and myths that surround the G-spot and female ejaculation, Gush is set up as a radio show in which Dr. Queen answers callers' questions. Dr. Queen offers advice and suggestions for techniques, positions, exercises, and more. She explains where the G-spot is and how first to find it; the differences between different orgasms (clitoral, G-spot, and blended); what sex toys to use and how; and what female ejaculate is and where it comes from. Interspersed are five sex numbers illustrating what we learn from Dr. Queen's answers to the callers' questions. Ranging from girl-girl sex to girl-boy sex and solo sex, they all incorporate lots of sex toys.

March 6, 2012

Turn Me On, Dammit! Horny Teenage Girls {featured film}

(This review was originally posted at Good Vibrations Online Magazine.)

In the US, girls are supposed to be sexy, but not sexual. In Norway, girls are expected to be both sexy and sexual — the problem is when they're horny (kåt). A "horny girl" is still very much taboo; obscene, too much. Even in so-called gender democratic and sexually liberated Norway.

The American Pie movies immortalized horny boys on film; Turn Me On, Dammit! (original title is Få meg på, for faen!) finally does the same for a horny girl who wants sex, but in a much more true, real way. This quirky, offbeat Norwegian sex comedy, which won the award for Best Screenplay at Tribeca Film Festival (2011) as well as Best Debut Film at Rome Film Festival, and which has been widely praised by among others The Huffington Post, Variety, Bust.com, and Salon, is about a 15-year-old girl, Alma (performed by 17-year-old Helene Bergsholm), who is insatiably horny all the time. Consumed by her out-of-control hormones, her fantasies range from romantic dreams of Artur, the boy she yearns for, to smutty scenarios about practically everybody she lays her eyes on.

March 5, 2012

Sex, Alcohol, Drugs, and Writing: The Chronology of Water {featured book}

Essay about the cover
How do you talk about a book that is capable of describing something because of how it breaks down and escapes the rules of language? The “incest narrative” has become a “cliché,” states Lidia Yuknavitch. It sounds “so horrible to say but talk to an editor or agent or publisher and you will hear rhetoric about the incest narrative and how to sell it or what will prohibit your book form selling. As if that matters.”

Instead of presenting us with another incest narrative, complete with a history of excessive drug and alcohol use, and a lot of hard, numbing, mind-blowing, cleansing sex, Yuknavitch shatters narrative and goes poetic about it in her prize awarded memoir, The Chronology of Water. You literally can go through this book and "chart the moments" of emotional and sexual intensity "by watching where the language -- to quote Dickinson -- goes strange." A bleeding stream of words, images, sensations, pouring out the body memories of a father who raged, a mother who failed them, a sister whose colon was irrevocably messed up. The epic sex and partying, the drunken marriages, a stillborn child. She explains:

February 27, 2012

Tickle My Tush {featured book}

Tickle My Tush is a light introduction to anal play and stimulation geared to the uninitiated. With an emphasis on pleasure oriented fun, and written in an inviting, reassuring tone, this book will speak to those interested in exploring and expanding their sensual, sexual pleasure life, whether it be through a stress relieving buttocks massage, or a more adventuresome play with the anus.

Throughout the book, the focus is on going slow, staying safe, and listening to your own level of comfort. As studies report that anal sex is at a higher rate than ever, while some point out that young women may in turn feel a sense of pressure to engage in it against their own comfort levels, I welcome this book's emphasis on sticking with what feels comfortable to you. This is a good message to send to all young women and men venturing into anal sex. I agree with the author, Sadie Allison, that this book could also be a suitable one for couples to read together in bed for inspiration. And yes, it could also be a good fit for readers uncomfortable with descriptive, accurate words for sex and anatomy, though I personally prefer and advocate for the use of accurate terms for all body parts, including our genitals, and not euphemisms, no matter how "fun" the coined up terms may be.

February 20, 2012

Vulva Art: Healing and Empowering Women {featured contributor}

By Wrenna Roberston/Show Off Books

Blushing Cherry Blossom Pendant by Jessica Marie
No longer content with the status quo that portrays our genitals as unattractive, dirty, and shameful, the vulva is being given a makeover. And no, not by unethical surgeons who are happy to make a quick buck by lopping off our labia, but rather by a growing number of inspired artists who are not willing to stand by and allow our dominant culture dictate a fictitious reality regarding our genitals.

These individuals recognize that through art, we can challenge many of our society’s deepest assumptions, spark new ideas, catalyze critical thinking, inspire individuals, and reframe reality.

When viewed through the lens of dominant culture, it becomes understandable that so many women have a negative relationship with their genitals. We are sold feminine hygiene products, and sanitary napkins, which serve to underscore the flawed notion that our feminine flows are unclean. Female-oriented products such as Summer’s Eve stress odor control, heightening many women’s fear that their genitals smell badly. Mainstream pornography paints every female body in a similar way, using digital software to remove natural, healthy diversity.

February 13, 2012

Evulvalution: Playboy Centerfolds a Threat to Women and Children

Women's Genitals Infantilized
Evulvalution is an article reporting on a recent study examining the representation of women's vulvae in 647 Playboy Magazine centerfolds. The research team considered both the representation of the women's genitals as well as their whole bodies. Taken together, the team found that the centerfolds perpetuate a "Barbie Doll" ideal characterized by a low BMI, narrow hips, a prominent bust, and hairless, undefined genitalia resembling those of a prepubescent female.

February 6, 2012

Vulva 101 {featured book}

Vulva 101 by Hylton Coxwell is a new photo study of the vulva. Featuring one hundred and one vulvae in a large 13" x 11" coffee book, it offers amazing close-ups capturing the stunning beauty of the vulva in all its different shapes and textures, colors and shines. Each page contains three photos, all of the same woman's vulva.

Explains Coxwell about why he made Vulva 101:
For me, this journey began a long time ago. A quest, perhaps it could be called, to find out why so many women held so much shame and were embarrassed at the mere mention of an intrinsically beautiful part of their own bodies. A part that should symbolize life, love and pleasure, but instead is hidden from society and individuals, even from their words and thoughts. It was also a quest to find out what could be done to improve this situation.

February 3, 2012

Your Man Reminder {featured video}

For a little Friday sexy hotness on a very important and timely issue comes this little video presenting Your Man Reminder, a fun application free on iTunes (also available for Android phones) that will help you remember to check your breasts regularly to prevent breast cancer.



The video is presented by Rethink, a sassy young women’s breast cancer movement:

January 31, 2012

Women Affected by New Definitions for Mental Disorders {featured news}

The current process of revising the definitions for a range of mental disorders listed in the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM), has received quite a bit of attention in the media lately, in particular for how it may include or exclude people from qualifying for covered treatment. This article sums up some of the controversy around definitions for autism (a tightening of the criteria) and depression (a widening to include grieving after bereavement), and adding other definitions that include “binge eating disorder” (out-of-control bingeing, complete with self-loathing) “premenstrual dysphoric disorder” (a condition in which a woman has severe depression symptoms, irritability, and tension before menstruation) and “attenuated psychosis syndrome” (delusional thinking).

I was glad to see premenstrual dysphoric disorder recognized as the painful disorder it is. Women's premenstrual- and menstrual sufferings are too often silenced or belittled while in fact an estimated 75% of women suffer from premenstrual syndrome (PMS) during their childbearing years. Premenstrual dysphoric disorder (PMDD) affects between 3% and 8% of women during the years when they are having menstrual periods. Steps to ensure covered treatment for this disorder seems overdue if anything.

Since 2000, antidepressants and a form of birth control pill have been federally approved to treat PMDD. Still there are critics arguing against including PMDD in the manual, saying that it may increase "the likelihood of being treated for what is normal behavior, or close enough," an argument which yet again dismisses a female specific illness as real and worthy of proper recognition as such.

January 30, 2012

The "Not Rape" Sexual Assaults {featured reads}

My friend Molly over at First the Egg has written a powerful post de-normalizing the sexual harassment and unwanted touches women in our culture are made to expect and stomach. "Have I ever had “ANY unwanted/undesired physical or sexual contact”? is the post's title, a question on a health history form. Her answer is yes and she describes her experiences in detail, giving words to the many unaccounted for experiences of sexual assault women experience on a regular basis, silenced because, as one commenter wrote, "I think it’s really easy for us (especially for women?) to minimize their own experience by saying “well, someone else had X experience which was worse, so I shouldn’t complain.” Concludes Molly:
I refuse to do the happy dance because I was fortunate enough not to be molested as a little girl and have not been violently raped. I refuse to be abjectly grateful for ‘getting off easy’ with the experiences I’ve mentioned here.

Because I deeply resent that they are normal.

January 24, 2012

See Me! Hear Me! This Is Who I Am: The Century Project

Rachel (17), a cutter on the path to healing
Girlhood in America is wrought with insecurities and complexes, wounds and shame, haunting many through womanhood. It can also be inspired by hopes and dreams, rebellion and empowerment. For two decades, photographer Frank Cordelle has given voice to the many silenced stories of numerous women’s all-too-real experiences with the disgrace and injustice done to them as girls and women, especially as they pertain to the women’s body image. The Century Project, a chronological series of nude photographic portraits of more than a hundred diverse girls and women ranging in age from the moment of birth through one hundred years, and accompanied by the women’s personal statements, is Cordelle’s magnum opus.

The exhibit has toured college campuses and galleries across the nations for nearly two decades. The book of the project, Bodies and Souls: The Century Project was published in 2006. Through the women’s own words and naked portraits we learn their powerful accounts of their conflicted feelings about their bodies and their vows to own and celebrate them.

The project is heart-wrenching and uplifting at the same time, and a very important contribution to our body-negative culture with its unrealistic beauty ideals and warped ideas about sex. Opposed to those, the participating women shed their clothes in defiance, not because they are exhibitionists, but because they refuse to be censured and dismissed, demanding to be seen for who they are. Real women, with real bodies and real issues, because we all have them, to a varying degree, whether it’s beating ourselves up for not looking just right, or the shame we feel for what has been inflicted upon us, by others or ourselves.

January 16, 2012

If You Want Your Sex Talk to Stay in the Family

Recently all the Good Vibrations Sexy Mama bloggers received the following email from the editor:
I was chatting with a friend the other day about talking with kids about sex and she mentioned something interesting. Part of her resistance to doing so, despite her awareness of the value of it, is her concern that she'll have to deal with the fallout if her kid passes information along to other kids, who then tell their parents. Another is that kids are learning about what's ok to talk about in public and she didn't want to deal with situations of her child saying something about sex at the supermarket.
What are some ways to deal with other children's parents? What happens when your child says something in public that would be fine at home but feels embarrassing when it's out among strangers? How do you deal with the social repercussions of other people's negative reactions? How do you teach your child that you have different expectations and awareness about sex than lots of their friend's parents?
The above parent recognizes the importance of talking to her kids about sex, but she prefers the sex talk to stay in the family. I personally feel a responsibility to publicly stand by everything I teach my daughter about sex, but my position does not match this parent's comfort level. To her, my position might seem idealist and impractical. While I would at least try to encourage her to see how she in fact could have a positive effect also on her child's friends if her child were to pass on what she teaches her child, I would give her this as another option: Tell the truth.

sex talk

January 13, 2012

Fotoshop by Adobé {featured video}

This commercial isn’t real, and neither are society’s standards of beauty.



By Jesse Rosten.

January 10, 2012

It's OK to Be Neither | Rethinking Schools {featured read}

This is an inspiring account of one teacher's experiences with teaching young children about gender, gender bullying, gender stereotypes and helping young children debunk narrow gender roles.

Excerpt:

As teachers, we often use gender to divide students into groups or teams. It seems easy and obvious. Many of us do this when we line students up to go to the bathroom. In one conversation that I had with Allie’s mother, she told me that Allie did not like using public bathrooms because many times Allie would be accused of being in the wrong bathroom. As soon as she told me I felt bad. By dividing the children into two lines by assigned gender, I had unintentionally made the children whose labels aren’t so clear feel uncomfortable in more ways than one.

When we lined up to go to the bathroom, I kept my students in one line until we reached the bathroom, and then let them separate to enter their bathrooms. Allie usually said she didn’t need to use the bathroom. The few times that she did, I offered the bathroom around the corner, a single-stall bathroom that was usually unoccupied. When the kids came out of the bathroom, they wanted to line up as most classrooms do, in boys’ and girls’ lines. Instead, I thought up a new way for them to line up each day. For example: “If you like popsicles, line up here. If you like ice cream, line up here.” They loved this and it kept them entertained while they waited for their classmates.
Read More at Rethinking Schools >>

January 2, 2012

How To Talk About Porn With Kids | Sexual Intelligence {featured read}

Experienced sex therapist, author, and educator Dr. Marty Klein has put together a brief blog post giving accessible and practical advice to parents about how to talk to their kids about porn.

Excerpt:
Here’s what we know: All children are sexual. That means they have sexual feelings and thoughts. [...] How parents deal with their feelings about their children’s sexuality will shape how they feel about, and what they do about, their kid looking at porn. [...]

Even parents who accept the reality that their kids are sexual and masturbate can be concerned about porn. What if it’s violent? What if it encourages values of which I disapprove? What if it’s confusing? The answer to all three questions is: it might. [...]

If your kid watches porn, he or she might easily get confused: Is that what sex is really like? Is that what most people look like naked? Do strangers really have sex together so easily? Are some people really rough with each other in bed? (This is where you explain that just as kids play games on the ballfield, pretending to be mean or brave when they really aren’t, some adults play games in bed, pretending to be bossy or submissive when they really aren’t.)

Questions like these deserve answers. And if you remember your childhood—before the internet—you know that kids develop questions (and confusion) about sex even without porn. After all, you did.
The response to “my kid’s watching porn, what do I do?” is—you talk about it. You ask lots of gentle questions. Your kid squirms. You explain stuff. You squirm. No one’s comfortable talking about this. You talk anyway. That’s what parents do—they talk about subjects even when they’re uncomfortable.
Just like kids need media literacy, kids need porn literacy. They need to understand that they’re watching actors playing roles, not documentaries. They need to understand that just as Glee and Harry Potter are edited, so are porn films. None of these media products is an accurate portrayal of real life. For example, porn usually omits two crucial parts of sex—the feelings and the talking.
Read More at Sexual Intelligence >>
Related Posts Plugin for WordPress, Blogger...