tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2414705521162863312024-03-12T22:49:47.174-05:00Love, Sex, and FamilyLove, Sex, and Family is a resource site devoted to progressive human sexuality information, featuring articles, news, book- and film reviews, carefully selected products, further resources and more as it pertains to our sexual lives in the broadest sense.Annehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01216616459705692371noreply@blogger.comBlogger213125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-241470552116286331.post-51228202902100996752012-11-13T08:48:00.000-06:002012-11-15T18:59:46.779-06:00When My Husband Came Out as a Woman(This post was originally published at <a href="http://goodvibesblog.com/when-my-husband-came-out-as-a-woman/" target="_blank"><i>Good Vibrations Online Magazine</i></a>.) <br />
<br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjaMpSpYPbq7SOrPmsG2VQiAj3lhXHvnoUKMVQti5hmjrKUxhaZYrRdtRtaSUXNf26XmvFmkzWHaKzF7VWw4u5e8KvOXi_MGBbGx-GNB7sNnOjrVNrk19DbWJodqYBn6wl7QDboki0ulSI/s1600/134_6597326479_8358_n.jpg" style="clear: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="212" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjaMpSpYPbq7SOrPmsG2VQiAj3lhXHvnoUKMVQti5hmjrKUxhaZYrRdtRtaSUXNf26XmvFmkzWHaKzF7VWw4u5e8KvOXi_MGBbGx-GNB7sNnOjrVNrk19DbWJodqYBn6wl7QDboki0ulSI/s320/134_6597326479_8358_n.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">June 30, 2007</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
My husband came out to me as a woman this summer,
three days after our five-year wedding anniversary. We were supposed to
have our first date with a babysitter that night, but she bailed on us.
Instead, we went out as a family for an afternoon drink at the local
pub, fresh from the pool where I spent pretty much every day this summer
with our four-year-old daughter.<br />
<br />
It was a damn good
wedding anniversary. I think we were both feeling that our marriage had
arrived at its strongest ever. He gave me a delicate diamond ring; my
own, my style, as opposed to the hand-me-down I got from his mom when we
married. And he read me the vows that afternoon in the sun at the pub's
deck over beers; the vows he never got around to writing five years
before. It was precious.
<br />
<a name='more'></a><br />
Sitting on the couch together
those three nights after, he didn't tell me "I'm transgender." Honestly,
it took me a while until I understood just what he was trying to tell
me. But when he started talking about remembering as a young boy, maybe
at four or five, going to bed choking his head into his pillow,
desperately wanting to wake up as a girl — well, then I understood.<br />
<br />
When
you really love someone, you want them to feel good about themselves
and to be happy in their skin. The overpowering feeling I had that night
was simply this: "darling; this will be okay!"<br />
<br />
That
following month, all I cared about was empowering him to feel good about
himself presenting and coming out as a woman. I suggested he start by
telling our four-year-old; the following week we did and they played
dress-up together. It was sweet.<br />
<br />
At the end of that
month, we had an amazing first couple's only vacation in Denver,
Colorado while our little girl was with her grandparents. We went out
together like we never have before, staying out late, dancing and
drinking, both in dresses and heels.<br />
<br />
Tension was
beginning to accumulate between us though because while he didn't feel
ready to come out, I was going crazy not being able to talk about it
with anyone, or to write about it. I write about what I care and think
about. Focused on supporting and encouraging my husband and also
reflecting on what this meant about my own sexual orientation and gender
identity, any other writing plainly lost its relevance to me. I'd sit
down to do some planning for the launch of my <i><a href="http://www.zero-books.net/books/after-pornified-how-women-are-transforming-pornography-why-it-really-matters" target="_blank">After Pornified</a> </i>book, or write something for <a href="http://goodvibesblog.com/author/quizzical-mama/" target="_blank">Good Vibrations Online Magazine</a>, or for my <a href="http://www.lovesexfamily.com/" target="_blank">Love, Sex, and Family</a> site. And I'd mentally compose posts for my blogs at <a href="http://www.newpornbywomen.com/2012/11/snapshots-from-my-tour-in-europe.html" target="_blank">New porn by women</a> and <a href="http://www.quizzicalmama.com/" target="_blank">Quizzical mama</a>, but instead I'd open a Word document, and I'd write about Coming Out.<br />
<br />
In
hindsight, I wish I'd been better about articulating my need to process
and share the news with others. I grew up not having my needs met, so
needs were something one better not have. Having needs was being needy.
Not a good thing. So he wasn't ready to come out, fair enough; but this
was about me too, and I had a need to process it.<br />
<br />
I
never got around to articulating any of that until after things got sort
of out of hand. After our vacation in Colorado, he began to tell his
best friends from college. A cryptic post by me on Facebook, tagging one
of the friends he'd told while expressing how proud and excited I felt
for my husband, sort of tipped the glass over. Furious at what he saw as
my betrayal, he left the room in a huff, and called both his parents to
tell them.<br />
<br />
As it turns out, he would feel good about
this heat-of-the-moment coming out episode; suspecting that it otherwise
might have dragged out before he'd come around to telling his parents.
This way he was done with it and it was out there.<br />
<br />
Things
began to roll fast. He told me beginning of July. We got back from our
vacation end of July. A month later, he had his letter in hand from his
psychotherapist that he was ready for hormone treatments. A lot of
research had gone into getting that far. Firstly, how to avoid the
requirement that one before receiving hormone treatment presents as the
gender one wants to present as for an entire year while also seeing a
therapist to prove one's commitment to transitioning; a brutal thing to
require for someone who feels they don't look or present right and who's
eager to adjust their looks and presentation to make them feel more at
home with how they feel about themselves.<br />
<br />
My husband
was lucky and found a consent program in Minneapolis through a clinic
that offers a consent program to transgender youth. He only had to see
the psychotherapist four times before receiving the letter, which he was
able to do within four weeks, receiving his letter the Friday before I
left for my first big trip overseas to promote my book in Europe.<br />
<br />
August
was intense. I was getting anxious with my book coming out, but whereas
he'd always been my trouper, cheering me on, helping me out — just as
I'd been his trouper, cheering him on, helping him out earlier that
summer — I now found myself lonely and unsupported, a growing abyss
between us. One giving birth to finally presenting as the gender he'd
longed to present as throughout his life, the other giving birth to
being a published author; a dream that I have had since I was a child. <br />
<br />
Come
September a new feeling arrived: that of grief. It took me by such
surprise! I had been so excited for him, for us! I'd been writing
enthusiastically about <a href="http://www.lovesexfamily.com/2012/08/talking-sexual-fluidity-with-my.html" target="_blank">teaching young kids about sexual fluidity</a> and I had no doubt about <a href="http://www.lovesexfamily.com/2012/06/fluidity-of-womens-sexual-desire.html" target="_blank">my own sexual fluidity as a woman</a>
and how cool that someone so easily dismissed as a privileged,
cisgendered, heterosexually married mom could finally come out and prove
her real queerness. I mean, all my life my writing has been about
freeing ourselves from stereotypes and conventions — cultural,
existential, sexual. Whether I was writing about Friedrich Nietzsche or
transformed porn by women. True, I had never been with a woman before;
but wasn't that perhaps because being with a woman gave me cold feet
because I couldn't perform "the script"? For years since my sexual
debut, I'd thrown myself into sex with men not always only for the pure
intention of pleasure, but also and sometimes more <a href="http://www.lovesexfamily.com/2011/12/dirty-little-secrets-flip-side-of.html" target="_blank">to be "rescued, saved and held."</a> The way I never was a child. With a guy you can fake the script, perhaps I was thinking; but with a woman? I wasn't so sure.<br />
<br />
But
perhaps this wasn't what was going on at all those few times where
either I approached a woman (granted: always while intoxicated and I
always retreated), or when I was approached by another woman (an each of
those times always intimidated me, I mean; those women were all way too
sexually confident for me — I would have had no idea how to proceed
with them.) <br />
<br />
Nevertheless. I had researched and written numerously about <a href="http://www.lovesexfamily.com/2012/06/fluidity-of-womens-sexual-desire.html" target="_blank">women's sexual fluidity</a> compared to men's and in my everyday life I have certainly come across women who just exudes this <i>something</i>
that makes me feel a little weak around them in some way or another.
And I have no doubt about women's openness in terms of what they desire
and what gives them pleasure.<br />
<br />
So, if I had some
interest in exploring being with a woman, what better safe route could
there possibly be than in doing it with your husband presenting as a
woman?!<br />
<br />
Well, the exuberant excitement of that kind of thinking was gone in an instant as soon as the feeling of grief arrived.<br />
<br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEinaUN-g9ju_3tOoDIkGJs9Cfh_hdW_P07iV0ebo0bwacPdkQ4lW7rFIXT93BBdV6a5OmJByXD-shjjB0I-8DMs4FObqQb0IW-nzqaRyn5qzgQPEnJkMjzFY-vaGqx625M16hYWR4HZk0M/s1600/front+cover.jpg" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEinaUN-g9ju_3tOoDIkGJs9Cfh_hdW_P07iV0ebo0bwacPdkQ4lW7rFIXT93BBdV6a5OmJByXD-shjjB0I-8DMs4FObqQb0IW-nzqaRyn5qzgQPEnJkMjzFY-vaGqx625M16hYWR4HZk0M/s320/front+cover.jpg" width="207" /></a></div>
It's
been two months now since the grief arrived, and I'm still sick with
it. In other words, while celebrating the launch of my <i><a href="http://www.zero-books.net/books/after-pornified-how-women-are-transforming-pornography-why-it-really-matters" target="_blank">After Pornified: How Women Are Transforming Pornography &amp; Why It Really Matters</a> </i>book
this fall — a book about women who have seized the means of
representation to create something that's positive and empowering to
them — I have also been sick with the feeling of loss, grief, sadness
and pain. So in my book I write about how this transformed porn by women
really matters, and not just in speaking up for actual female desire,
but also in how it is all about freeing us from gender stereotypes and
erotic clichés, opening up more play-field for both women and men to
explore, define, and enjoy their bodies and sexuality. I completely
disagree with the growing tendency of seeing only queer porn as cool,
progressive and feminist; the porn that interests me shows how sex
between women and men doesn't need to be heteronormative and
conventional. The porn that interests me takes the "hetero" out of <strike>hetero</strike>sexuality,
breaking down gender roles as it too embraces a sexually fluid and
democratic plurality. Where women and men don't perform sexual scripts
but come together as individuals.<br />
<br />
And well, so here I
am this fall on tour in the US and Europe, at launch party after launch
party, and people are talking about how cool to finally have someone
speaking up for a progressive <strike>hetero</strike>sexuality. Which is
what I thought I had in my own life with my husband too. But then at
the end of the night, I go back to my room and I Skype call home to my
husband, and what I see is a woman. A woman who's wearing even frillier
shirts than even I would ever do!<br />
<br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgNSXJB_1AJ3GyaRa-st53D-6a-PlEPpyOp6UjGp1D6onV-gS49NHe9oIfrwyJ72cSscchDqsGfY2wCnYGVG572zbYhvv5w6y8m6zrQqeDf7ajKjdAMAFOB-yTmYjMJ-bAFZRqKIQbfkv4/s1600/-1.jpg" style="clear: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgNSXJB_1AJ3GyaRa-st53D-6a-PlEPpyOp6UjGp1D6onV-gS49NHe9oIfrwyJ72cSscchDqsGfY2wCnYGVG572zbYhvv5w6y8m6zrQqeDf7ajKjdAMAFOB-yTmYjMJ-bAFZRqKIQbfkv4/s1600/-1.jpg" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">2006</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
So despite all my progressiveness and fluidity and
screw-gender-and-let's-think-about-ourselves-as-people kind of mindset, I
find myself mourning my husband's male body. I love <a href="http://www.newpornbywomen.com/2011/05/beautiful-male-bodies.html" target="_blank">beautiful male bodies</a>;
my book is also an ode to beautiful male bodies — we need to free our
minds and bodies not just from the stereotypes about women, but also
from those about men. Men are not just stupid studs with a hard dick
that'll fuck anything. My book is also about freeing men from
discriminating ideas about what it means to be a man; dangerous myths
about "boys who can't help themselves" that continue to saturate college
campuses.<br />
<br />
This is where I'm at right now. Obviously, a
person is more than a body and I love my husband, my spouse, my
soon-to-be my wife, and not a he but a she, and not Leighton, but Elle.
But a person is also a body, and I met Leighton just as I had finally
come into my body and was beginning to fully claim, savor and enjoy it,
exploring and experiencing what it truly desired and what gave it
pleasure.<br />
<br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiOsgHmypqGKgqmtBKeV27JmEGq5iTGukbnmffcO44xnrQkP-1BoS0glvhlyIvLOcQi_6-A_4jQo3LQH3xsGnALxesiN8HZryuThmw_khoLo-DvACsZiSbWIVm8pD1Ts0y5mYX7IxGVXbk/s1600/Leighton.JPG" style="clear: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="150" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiOsgHmypqGKgqmtBKeV27JmEGq5iTGukbnmffcO44xnrQkP-1BoS0glvhlyIvLOcQi_6-A_4jQo3LQH3xsGnALxesiN8HZryuThmw_khoLo-DvACsZiSbWIVm8pD1Ts0y5mYX7IxGVXbk/s200/Leighton.JPG" width="200" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">2005</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
At the peak of my pleasure quest, I found Leighton.
Eight years younger than me he was the sexiest most handsome most just
ah, gotta-have-that-man kind of man to me. An adonis! I loved everything
about his strong slender sinewy body; the feel of his flesh and the
hair on his skin; the way his breath smelled in the morning, the salty
taste of his armpits and chest, the curve around his hip bones, the
tickling sound of his voice. <br />
<br />
It's all gone now.<br />
<br />
And
I don't know if we'll be okay or if we won't, and there's a huge sense
of panic and groundlessness and what the fuck is home feeling in that.
So I try to just breathe. And I know that I have to give it time. To see
which feelings are going to outlast the others, knowing that many new
ones might still arrive too.<br />
<br />
If I'd been free to write about this in July, this would have been a quite
different post; an exuberant one! And not one about groundlessness and
grief. But if my politics at first got ahead of me, I'm hoping that my
personal might eventually catch up with it. Because I don't want to lose
this big love, my best friend, my child's other parent, my spouse, my
lover. Annehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01216616459705692371noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-241470552116286331.post-30202311941244784702012-11-09T14:08:00.000-06:002012-11-09T14:08:27.872-06:00The Sexual Chronicles of a French Family {featured trailer}<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjU2-WjbeC7jbcbF3iaoUtJRbyNUBT2WHrRizSLSfiZRFo61pwOzUmtLO4UxJH0f-VjO1tiM9_NxnX6Ohk8fEf_xfhFbtOVe3PcpbCSI1hiSDqBda0CDkWozHTB2VwVhGg5AY7v_h1qGCdN/s1600/Screen+Shot+2012-11-09+at+2.04.39+PM.png" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="141" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjU2-WjbeC7jbcbF3iaoUtJRbyNUBT2WHrRizSLSfiZRFo61pwOzUmtLO4UxJH0f-VjO1tiM9_NxnX6Ohk8fEf_xfhFbtOVe3PcpbCSI1hiSDqBda0CDkWozHTB2VwVhGg5AY7v_h1qGCdN/s200/Screen+Shot+2012-11-09+at+2.04.39+PM.png" width="200" /></a></div>
My apologies for my absence this past month; I've been busy with <a href="http://www.annegsabo.com/p/calendar.html" target="_blank">events</a> in conjunction with the launch of my new book <a href="http://www.zero-books.net/books/after-pornified-how-women-are-transforming-pornography-why-it-really-matters" target="_blank"><i>After Pornified: How Women Are Transforming Pornography & Why It Really Matters </i></a>(Zer0 Books, October 2012). I returned from Europe only last week where the <a href="http://www.pornfilmfestivalberlin.de/pffb_2012/en/?p=5572" target="_blank">official launch party</a> took place at <a href="http://www.pornfilmfestivalberlin.de/pffb_2012/en/?page_id=356" target="_blank">Berlin Porn Film Festival</a>, the leading international film festival for progressive artistic sex film. I attended the entire five-day festival and saw an amazing array of films.
<br />
<a name='more'></a><br />
The festival's opening film, <i>The Sexual Chronicles of a French Family</i> (2012) by Pascal Arnold and Jean-Marc Barr was in particular impressive. As one of the festival organizers said in his introduction, the film beautifully captures the festival's utopian vision where sex is talked about and approached in a natural manner without all the social stigma and shame.<br />
<br />
I hope you enjoy the film's trailer!<br />
<br />
<iframe allowfullscreen="allowfullscreen" frameborder="0" height="315" src="http://www.youtube.com/embed/uZq9OfchXEE" width="560"></iframe> <br />
<br />
SEXUAL CHRONICLES OF A FRENCH FAMILY<br />
CHRONIQUES SEXUELLES D'UNE FAMILLE D'AUJOURD'HUI<br />
2012, IFC Films, 77 min, France, Dir: Pascal Arnold, Jean-Marc Barr<br />
<br />
When her younger son is caught filming himself masturbating in biology class, Claire (Valerie Maes) attempts to overcome the taboo of sexuality by creating an open discussion about each of her family members’ personal experiences. From big brother’s polyamory to Grandpa’s bimonthly visits to a prostitute, the filmmakers present a view into the family’s most intimate moments — tender, never vulgar, presenting sex as an everyday part of life. In French with English subtitles.
Annehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01216616459705692371noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-241470552116286331.post-72948690430302403922012-10-08T20:29:00.000-05:002012-10-08T20:29:11.721-05:00Regretters {featured trailer}<a href="http://www.atmo.se/film-and-tv/regretters/" target="_blank"><i>Regretters</i></a> is the amazing widely prize-awarded Swedish documentary featuring the candid conversation between two men who both decided to change their sex only to later regret it. This is a hugely soulful and powerful film for anyone—straight, trans, or queer—who cares about navigating gender and identity in our sadly gender claustrophobic culture.<br />
<br />
<iframe allowfullscreen="allowfullscreen" frameborder="0" height="281" mozallowfullscreen="mozallowfullscreen" src="http://player.vimeo.com/video/10206633" webkitallowfullscreen="webkitallowfullscreen" width="500"></iframe> <br />
<a href="http://vimeo.com/10206633">Regretters Trailer</a> from <a href="http://vimeo.com/user3390763">Atmo</a> on <a href="http://vimeo.com/">Vimeo</a>.<br />
<a href="http://www.atmo.se/film-and-tv/regretters/" target="_blank"></a>
<br />
<a name='more'></a><a href="http://www.atmo.se/film-and-tv/regretters/" target="_blank">Sample reviews</a>:<br />
"<i>Regretters</i> is a film that stays with you long after you finish watching it, beautiful in both style and substance, and definitely one of the most thought-provoking films I’ve seen this year." — The Documentary Blog<br />
<br />
"Absolutely stellar filmmaking here, providing enlightened, frank and beautiful portraits to share with the audience. It’s a must-see."
— Movie Moxie<br />
<br />
"The best film of the year is probably already here. Completely and utterly breathtaking and amazing. You. Must. See. It." —
Cinema, Swedish Film Magazine<br />
<br />
"<i>Regretters</i> is one of the best Swedish documentaries I have ever seen."
— Svenska Dagbladet, The Swedish Daily Paper<br />
<br />
"One of the most dazzling documentary films in ages. I have rarely seen a film with this much SOUL."
— P3 Kultur, The National Swedish Radio<br />
<br />
"Excellent… I was blown away in the cinema."
— People Magazine<br />
<br />
"Whoever gave talking heads a bad name should bow their head in shame when confronted with <i>Regretters</i>. Marcus Lindeen’s sensitive portrait of two men in conversation is a stunning testimony to the magic of a face, a meeting and the potency of sharing your life story. A complete and highly intense film."
— DOX, The European Documentary MagazineAnnehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01216616459705692371noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-241470552116286331.post-11184379145766014142012-10-02T11:34:00.002-05:002012-10-08T10:39:05.253-05:00Walk Like a Slut<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi_5UNVuOpkJDXVn9ZQbp9hLVw9o22sCqWkfHHyBepY1g4vb4_RhZMBI-3ziu-aQfTnfozWawwU6y_cbGwArDH57Hxw0pf3bkGHm78w-KwIA7CtUQNTOORd5YC_I41kgLAyzS2ZwTlO2SSD/s1600/tumblr_lsfakzCAB11qahvq8o1_1280.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi_5UNVuOpkJDXVn9ZQbp9hLVw9o22sCqWkfHHyBepY1g4vb4_RhZMBI-3ziu-aQfTnfozWawwU6y_cbGwArDH57Hxw0pf3bkGHm78w-KwIA7CtUQNTOORd5YC_I41kgLAyzS2ZwTlO2SSD/s320/tumblr_lsfakzCAB11qahvq8o1_1280.jpg" width="240" /></a><a href="http://www.lovesexfamily.com/2011/10/real-men-blame-rapist-not-rape-victim.html" target="_blank">I took my then three-year-old daughter to SlutWalk</a> last year because I want her to grow up knowing nobody has the right to tell her avoiding rape is <u>her</u>
responsibility. Or that she needs to police her look and behavior but a
boy does not. As another mother said, she brought her six-year-old
daughter because "she wanted her daughter to know that nobody has a right to her body." Her body is <u>hers</u> and no one has the right to do anything to it that she doesn't want.<br />
<br />
Heading to the walk, I told my daughter SlutWalk is about celebrating girls and women. She said we should celebrate boys too.<br />
<br />
Indeed. We need to foster a culture where boys and girls respect and
trust each other. Where girls' and boys' fears and insecurities about
sexuality—including when it comes to their own budding bodies as well
as those of the opposite sex—are addressed. Through positive sex
education that equips both girls and boys to approach sex with
knowledge, respect and integrity.<br />
<br />
Boys who "can't help themselves" are boys who've been shamed into wrongly thinking this is in fact so.
<br />
<a name='more'></a><br />
That this way of thinking is perpetuated by abstinence-only programs
offered by a large amount of schools across the American nation should
be of grave concern to us all. Girls and boys alike need comprehensive
information about sex, including sexual desire and pleasure. They need
to be empowered to own their desire. To learn that it is okay to say no
and also to say YES when THEY want it. And to articulate what precisely
this means.<br />
<br />
Girls and boys will engage in sex. Unfortunately, in the United States,
they often do so unsafely because it is done in secret and in shame. And
because girls have been told "boys can't help themselves," and that
they themselves are "sluts" if they want sex.<br />
<br />
Sexual repression backfires on itself in devastating ways. When sex is
experienced as something forbidden and taboo, lust becomes shameful.
Shame easily spirals into anger and resentment. And an ashamed person
might direct those feelings against that which arouses him. Through
disrespect and degradation. And in worse cases: physical violence and
sexual assault.<br />
<br />
<table cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="float: left; margin-right: 1em; text-align: left;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgXXeCLNY0uzbfz423MlviFEFZyD6Z5tOPl9KFA7dAW9_yR_2xWEpw0aG6AfHTqMbrLjWJGU-fhb-ltRKrOPDlyuvzGhG9cjuYv3wW6vaqEq81lK5I-04l72elBcBeM4LD5vLkiq9UIjJm9/s1600/303773_2045000208711_1355562842_31781354_665542292_n.jpg" style="clear: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="150" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgXXeCLNY0uzbfz423MlviFEFZyD6Z5tOPl9KFA7dAW9_yR_2xWEpw0aG6AfHTqMbrLjWJGU-fhb-ltRKrOPDlyuvzGhG9cjuYv3wW6vaqEq81lK5I-04l72elBcBeM4LD5vLkiq9UIjJm9/s200/303773_2045000208711_1355562842_31781354_665542292_n.jpg" width="200" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://www.facebook.com/pages/SlutWalk-Minneapolis/183709888345601">Photo: Mari Milewski</a></td></tr>
</tbody></table>
SlutWalk forces our attention to understand rape. Rape by men who purportedly can't help themselves because "they're just guys."<br />
<br />
SlutWalk reminds us this isn't true. SlutWalk asks us to put the blame where it belongs.<br />
<br />
You can't blame the victim. You have to blame the rapist.<br />
<br />
The annual <a href="http://www.slutwalkminneapolis.org/" target="_blank">SlutWalk Minneapolis</a>
is this coming Saturday. My husband, daughter and I will all be walking. If you live in the area, I
encourage you to join us at this empowering event, taking the historic
Stone Arch Bridge across the Mississippi river before returning to the
Father Hennepin Bluffs Park in St. Anthony Main where the event begins
at 3:30 PM and ends at 5 PM.<br />
<br />
As I explained in <a href="http://www.lovesexfamily.com/2011/09/support-slutwalk-minneapolis.html" target="_blank">this post</a> about SlutWalk where I look at the movement's empowering reclaiming of the term "slut," it was <a href="http://www.lovesexfamily.com/2011/04/what-ought-woman-do-to-avoid-sexual.html" target="_blank">launched after a police officer in Toronto advised students they dress less like “sluts” to avoid sexual assault</a>.
Within months it became a global phenomenon uniting women who had enough
of being told that they are the ones to blame—of being taught to police
themselves instead of men being taught not to rape—of being labeled <i>sluts</i> as if this label justifies their mistreatment. It does not.Annehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01216616459705692371noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-241470552116286331.post-8136611577299174002012-09-25T09:42:00.000-05:002012-09-25T09:53:12.910-05:00Survival Tips for Trans Youth {featured resource}<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgsun1WkpbJY-NgT4xH0BFBoo4xUq7GbPVdeFgHwyMhsjx9deXA8HjEjUh2ZK4PwMy6-CgM4EwF6zWobQ6epmocHz8rId3Q3mk7JLWqIim2tR9tOxpdbsQ512MeMjj7-iwYMK6dbFDcaLYf/s1600/Screen+shot+2012-09-25+at+9.30.14+AM.png" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgsun1WkpbJY-NgT4xH0BFBoo4xUq7GbPVdeFgHwyMhsjx9deXA8HjEjUh2ZK4PwMy6-CgM4EwF6zWobQ6epmocHz8rId3Q3mk7JLWqIim2tR9tOxpdbsQ512MeMjj7-iwYMK6dbFDcaLYf/s320/Screen+shot+2012-09-25+at+9.30.14+AM.png" width="230" /></a></div>
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
<i>Young people living outside of gender norms are everywhere. Whether in the process of transitioning from male to female or vice versa; identifying outside boxes; or gender-nonconforming, the spectrum of gender identities is more visible than ever before.</i><br />
<i><br /></i>
<i>Serious legal and other obstacles abound, however, and these can be especially daunting for young people who are transgender or gender-nonconforming (TGNC). The challenges of changing one’s name, finding access to hormones or enduring police brutality, for instance, demand a distinctly adult set of skills and can take their toll on a young person.</i> <a href="http://www.lambdalegal.org/publications/all" target="_blank">Survival Tips for Trans Youth</a> (Lambda Legal)</blockquote>
<a href="http://www.lambdalegal.org/" target="_blank">Lambda Legal</a>
is an amazing resource working towards a world without discrimination
and inequality. They make the case for equality in the nation’s courts,
and through education and policy work.
Their work touches on <a href="http://www.lambdalegal.org/issues" target="_blank">nearly every aspect of life</a> for lesbians, gay men, bisexuals, transgender people and people living with HIV of all ages.<br />
<br />
Lambda also offers extensive information via their <a href="http://www.lambdalegal.org/publications" target="_blank">publications</a> including a blog, magazine, tool kits, articles and more. <a href="http://www.lambdalegal.org/publications/all" target="_blank">Survival Tips for Trans Youth</a> is an informative four-page legal guide for trans people and their advocates published online at Lambda where you can download it for free (PDF-file).<br />
<br />
(Photo from <a href="http://www.lambdalegal.org/publications/trt_survival-tips-for-trans-youth" target="_blank">Survival Tips for Trans Youth</a>) Annehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01216616459705692371noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-241470552116286331.post-75493733850061262532012-09-24T20:28:00.000-05:002012-09-24T20:36:54.272-05:00Sugar on Love, Sex, and Life {featured book}<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj8FW3nmbIKntrpiZ5uUIVT2JXLeu0zuG6r4sYPmfnmeiQgcFbktg18ggyuWZoPaUgJj1rggh8ZtqTlT1X7LYkXkhtFkkOS5ih6DxYB3l3impbao846eeQmW5qWUe5mfwWUSKG8l1RfJVgm/s1600/Tiny_Beautiful-330.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj8FW3nmbIKntrpiZ5uUIVT2JXLeu0zuG6r4sYPmfnmeiQgcFbktg18ggyuWZoPaUgJj1rggh8ZtqTlT1X7LYkXkhtFkkOS5ih6DxYB3l3impbao846eeQmW5qWUe5mfwWUSKG8l1RfJVgm/s320/Tiny_Beautiful-330.jpg" width="207" /></a></div>
<i><a href="http://www.cherylstrayed.com/tiny_beautiful_things_114549.htm" target="_blank">Tiny Beautiful Things: Advice on Love and Life from Dear Sugar</a> </i>is, despite the cheesy title, an incredibly poetic and powerful collection of personal and profound little essays. Written by <a href="http://www.cherylstrayed.com/" target="_blank">Cheryl Strayed</a>, the author of <a href="http://www.cherylstrayed.com/wild_108676.htm" target="_blank"><i>Wild: </i><i><i>From Lost to Found on the Pacific Crest Trail</i></i></a>, which was also published this past year (in fact, the two books have spent several simultaneous weeks on the <i>New York Times </i>bestseller list recently), these meditations on love, life, family, relationship, and sex are in fact <a href="http://therumpus.net/sections/dear-sugar/" target="_blank">columns</a> published at <a href="http://therumpus.net/about/" target="_blank">The Rumpus</a> written in response to readers' letters.<br />
<br />
Strayed responds to a diverse variety of questions and concerns, which include dating after divorce, not wanting to settle, cheating, dealing with affairs, healing from child sex abuse, overcoming miscarriage, navigating high school dating dramas, dealing with one's partner's sexual past and fetishes, communicating about sex and our real sexual selves, second thoughts, coming out gay, being transgender, getting over an ex in a time of Facebook and Twitter, what happily after really means, and more.<br />
<br />
Strayed's work is well-worth the read. I first picked up her memoir <i>Wild </i>because I so loved Lidia Yuknavitch's <a href="http://www.lovesexfamily.com/2012/03/sex-alcohol-drugs-and-writing.html" target="_blank"><i>The Chronology of Water</i></a><i> </i>featuring
one woman's journey from loss and hurt to empowerment and peace
through the rugged path of alcohol, drugs, and a lot of sex, and the two books seemed like they might have some things in common. <br />
<a name='more'></a><br />
I have featured Yuknavitch's memoir <a href="http://www.lovesexfamily.com/2012/03/sex-alcohol-drugs-and-writing.html" target="_blank">here</a> at Love, Sex, and Family and I compare the two memoirs at Quizzical mama in this post: <a href="http://www.quizzicalmama.com/2012/08/wild-staring-down-fear-and-aloneness.html" target="_blank">wild: staring down fear and aloneness</a>.<br />
<br />
<iframe frameborder="0" marginheight="0" marginwidth="0" scrolling="no" src="http://rcm.amazon.com/e/cm?lt1=_blank&bc1=000000&IS2=1&bg1=FFFFFF&fc1=000000&lc1=0000FF&t=quizzicalmama-20&o=1&p=8&l=as4&m=amazon&f=ifr&ref=ss_til&asins=0307949338" style="height: 240px; width: 120px;"></iframe>
<iframe frameborder="0" marginheight="0" marginwidth="0" scrolling="no" src="http://rcm.amazon.com/e/cm?lt1=_blank&bc1=000000&IS2=1&bg1=FFFFFF&fc1=000000&lc1=0000FF&t=quizzicalmama-20&o=1&p=8&l=as4&m=amazon&f=ifr&ref=ss_til&asins=0307592731" style="height: 240px; width: 120px;"></iframe>
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Annehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01216616459705692371noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-241470552116286331.post-51538815439668011872012-09-17T08:00:00.004-05:002012-09-17T08:00:04.926-05:0050 Shades of Obsessing with Spanking<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjqCpXAgQqeISDjqCCHXDPbhGBf3MLjXmF4eDIKFi3EfA_XXCgm9qWMYzneqpCFAmWh1pg3oGOP9qlafpSkc7rkr5PF-zA6Zykku92kGy3W2zP-f5jBsXh55-nY3IPCKriALo-qDD36u-0/s1600/Imagen-34P-02.jpg" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="213" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjqCpXAgQqeISDjqCCHXDPbhGBf3MLjXmF4eDIKFi3EfA_XXCgm9qWMYzneqpCFAmWh1pg3oGOP9qlafpSkc7rkr5PF-zA6Zykku92kGy3W2zP-f5jBsXh55-nY3IPCKriALo-qDD36u-0/s320/Imagen-34P-02.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>The current <i>Fifty Shades of Grey</i> mania has apparently gotten more women into spanking lately. Sex-toy shops gleefully <a href="http://www.startribune.com/lifestyle/159953475.html" target="_blank">report</a> an increase in sale of bondage toys; even hardware stores are reporting an influx of new customers — mostly women — shopping for rope.<br />
<br />
People are drawn to bondage for all sorts of reasons. In our stressed out culture, <a href="http://www.lovesexfamily.com/2011/07/mating-call-of-drunk-woo-girls.html" target="_blank">surrendering control</a> can appear highly appealing. Others might be drawn to it because a blindfold and intenser sensations <a href="http://www.huffingtonpost.com/jincey-lumpkin/madison-young-submission_b_1384294.html?ref=tw" target="_blank">can help them focus</a>. Some may be drawn to it as a path of <a href="http://www.lovesexfamily.com/2012/04/psychological-underpinnings-of.html" target="_blank">psychological transformation</a>. And to some it may be a fetish that stems from <a href="http://www.salon.com/2012/04/20/fifty_shades_of_grey_dominatrixes_take_on_roiphe/" target="_blank">childhood experiences of abuse</a>. <br />
<a name='more'></a><br />
What we conceive of as erotic often stems from <a href="http://stanley-siegel.com/2012/01/31/what-your-favorite-porn-says-about-who-you-are/" target="_blank">childhood experiences</a> or simply living in the culture we live in. I recently returned from Oslo, Norway where I attended the annual <a href="http://www.cupido.no/node/247550" target="_blank">Cupido Festival</a> for health professionals working with sex related issues. Two leading professors of sexology, one a medical doctor and therapist, the other a psychologist, presented a talk on how erotic fantasies and fetishes are formed, essentially reiterating this point. "'Patterns of desire' can be developed through everyday life and experience; through pleasure; or through trauma and pain ('forced learning'). Based on cultural values and practices, some patterns of desire are more common, others less so."<br />
<br />
There is no wonder women and men today are turned on by power and submission. It's how sex and the relationship between the sexes have been conceived for thousands of years.<br />
<br />
But today, we strive for a gender equal society. And so my concern is that if we do not pause to consider <i>what</i> feeds these fantasies of power and submission, we may end up blindly perpetuating the gender stereotypes that these fantasies thrive on.<br />
<br />
So how do we move forward?<br />
<br />
What intrigues me is how some of the female porn makers I look at in my book <a href="http://www.annegsabo.com/p/after-pornified.html" target="_blank"><i>After Pornified: How Women Are Transforming Pornography & Why It Really Matters</i></a> appropriate and play with power and submission fantasies. In consensual play with erotic fantasies, no matter how stereotypical and cliché, we do not bind ourselves to the fantasy but free ourselves from its hold, creating room for something different.<br />
<br />
Where perhaps domination and submission is replaced by power as a creative energy. Where erotic fantasies feed on new understandings of gender that do not rest on old-fashioned gender stereotypes that cast women as submissive and passive and men as dominant and active.<br />
<br />
What concerns me about <i>Fifty Shades of Grey </i>is that it lacks a more reflective, playful approach to power and submission, instead blindly reinforcing old-school stereotypes about gender and romantic clichés, as I've noted in my <a href="http://www.newpornbywomen.com/2012/08/talking-50-shades-of-grey-with-our-kids.html" target="_blank">New porn by women blog</a> and as Kaitie Roiphe pointed out in her much-noted <a href="http://www.thedailybeast.com/newsweek/2012/04/15/working-women-s-fantasies.html" target="_blank">Newsweek cover story</a> that I quote <a href="http://www.newpornbywomen.com/2012/04/mommy-porn-fanfiction-and-bdsm.html" target="_blank">here</a>. (There are also other problematic messages about domination and submission in the book that I address in <a href="http://www.newpornbywomen.com/2012/04/mommy-porn-fanfiction-and-bdsm.html" target="_blank">this post</a>. As others have said, the book isn't intended to teach people about BDSM. That said, if this book is readers' first exposure to it, well, then there is in a sense a lot of responsibility on it now.)<br />
<br />
At the Cupido Festival, I also presented <a href="http://www.cupido.no/Cupido-Filmpris-2012-Nomineringer" target="_blank">Cupido's first Film Award</a> which I curated, nominating six of the films I talk about in <a href="http://www.zero-books.net/books/after-pornified-how-women-are-transforming-pornography-why-it-really-matters" target="_blank">my book</a>. The short film <a href="http://www.cupido.no/node/257038" target="_blank">"Handcuffs"</a> directed by <a href="http://goodvibesblog.com/lust-films-modern-and-urban-porn/" target="_blank">Erika Lust</a> won. Interestingly, it features domination and submission — but not without a notable amount of clever playfulness.<br />
<br />
(This article was originally posted at <a href="http://goodvibesblog.com/50-shades-of-obsessing-with-spanking/" target="_blank"><i>The Buzz: Good Vibrations Online Magazine</i></a>.)<br />
<br />
Check out Pandora Blake's lucid response to my article at her site <a href="http://dreamsofspanking.com/blog/2012/9/power-play-in-a-gender-equal-society" target="_blank">Dreams of Spanking</a>: <br />
<blockquote class="tr_bq">The distinction Quizzical Mama makes between "active/passive" and "dominant/submissive" is an important one. One of the stories I've been trying to tell in a lot of my recent films is that of active submission, self-determined submission, submission that's sought out by an empowered, self-aware individual because it brings them happiness. Submission doesn't have to be imposed from outside; consensual submission is the free choice of an independent agent, who benefits enough from it to continually re-make that choice.<br />
<br />
Likewise, I'm passionate about re-modelling dominant and submissive as roles that are detached from physical sex and gender identity. Dominance can be feminine, and it doesn't have to look like the latex-clad stereotype, either. Submission can be masculine, and honourable, and brave, whatever your gender. And both roles can be complex, layered, interleaved. The same person can be both, and do both at different times, or at the same time in different ways.</blockquote>Annehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01216616459705692371noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-241470552116286331.post-57886240677738034892012-09-14T13:42:00.000-05:002012-09-25T21:58:08.435-05:00Shop High-end Pleasure Objects from LELO at Love, Sex, and Family<a href="https://affiliates.lelo.com/jrox.php?id=1519_45_bid_233"><img border="0" height="185" src="https://affiliates.lelo.com/image.php?bid=233&mid=1519" width="500" /></a>
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<span style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: none; background-color: white; font-family: 'Century Gothic', Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 12px;"><input align="left" height="251" src="http://www.lelo.com/upload/fckupload/whats-the-best-lelo-for-you.jpg" style="cursor: default;" type="image" width="320" />If you’re ambitious enough to explore new sensations you’ve only heard about, <a href="http://en.lelo.com/index.php?collectionName=femme-homme&groupName=GIGI" style="border-bottom-width: 0px; border-color: initial; border-left-width: 0px; border-right-width: 0px; border-style: initial; border-top-width: 0px; color: black; text-decoration: underline;" target="_blank"><span style="text-decoration: underline;">GIGI</span></a> and <a href="http://en.lelo.com/index.php?collectionName=femme-homme&groupName=BILLY" style="border-bottom-width: 0px; border-color: initial; border-left-width: 0px; border-right-width: 0px; border-style: initial; border-top-width: 0px; color: black; text-decoration: underline;" target="_blank"><span style="text-decoration: underline;">BILLY</span></a> are the perfect couple for that adventurous double-date. GIGI delicately tends to the lady’s G-spot while BILLY provides unparalleled stimulation to the prostate for added ecstasy. </span></div>
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<span style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: none; background-color: white; font-family: 'Century Gothic', Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 12px;">For the avid swimmer, snorkeler or otherwise aquatically-inclined, LELO’s INSIGNIA collection possesses the same stylish, body-friendly designs common to all LELOs, but in fully-waterproof forms. From the clever and versatile massager <a href="http://en.lelo.com/index.php?collectionName=insignia-luxe&groupName=ALIA" style="border-bottom-width: 0px; border-color: initial; border-left-width: 0px; border-right-width: 0px; border-style: initial; border-top-width: 0px; color: black; text-decoration: underline;" target="_blank"><span style="text-decoration: underline;">ALIA</span></a>, the sublimely crafted <a href="http://en.lelo.com/index.php?collectionName=insignia-luxe&groupName=ISLA" style="border-bottom-width: 0px; border-color: initial; border-left-width: 0px; border-right-width: 0px; border-style: initial; border-top-width: 0px; color: black; text-decoration: underline;" target="_blank"><span style="text-decoration: underline;">ISLA</span></a> to the seductive dual-action vibrator <a href="http://en.lelo.com/index.php?collectionName=insignia-luxe&groupName=SORAYA" style="border-bottom-width: 0px; border-color: initial; border-left-width: 0px; border-right-width: 0px; border-style: initial; border-top-width: 0px; color: black; text-decoration: underline;" target="_blank"><span style="text-decoration: underline;">SORAYA</span></a>, this product line won’t fail to engage the senses in a fully submerged experience.</span></div>
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<span style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: none; background-color: white; font-family: 'Century Gothic', Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 12px;">For the lady who wants it all, <a href="http://en.lelo.com/index.php?collectionName=femme-homme&groupName=INA" style="border-bottom-width: 0px; border-color: initial; border-left-width: 0px; border-right-width: 0px; border-style: initial; border-top-width: 0px; color: black; text-decoration: underline;" target="_blank">INA</a> is a dual-action ‘rabbit-style’ vibe that offers multiple pleasure over 8 different modes and 2 motors that deliver simultaneous and alternating (and simultaneously alternating) euphoric sensations, both external and internal. </span><br />
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<span style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: none; background-color: white; font-family: 'Century Gothic', Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 12px;">Thought we’d actually tell you what’s the best LELO? Nonsense. They’re all the best—it just depends on who you’re asking.</span></div>
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<span style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: none; background-color: white; font-family: 'Century Gothic', Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 12px;"><a href="http://en.lelo.com/index.php?collectionName=femme-homme" style="border-bottom-width: 0px; border-color: initial; border-left-width: 0px; border-right-width: 0px; border-style: initial; border-top-width: 0px; color: black; text-decoration: underline;" target="_blank"><span style="text-decoration: underline;"><br />
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Click here</span></a> to browse the LELO FEMME and HOMME lines.</span></div>
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<img border="0" height="1" src="https://affiliates.lelo.com/image.php?aaid=11&mid=1519" width="1" />Annehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01216616459705692371noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-241470552116286331.post-42828245876279962312012-09-14T08:58:00.000-05:002012-09-14T08:58:26.732-05:00Why We Must Oppose the Minnesota Marriage Amendment {featured contributor}By Stacey L. Klempnauer<br />
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<table cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="float: left; margin-right: 1em; text-align: left;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEisg3fvtYem3NBkqjki_odr1PkefR71PTdIaTHoQNhGS3n2Y7AeD7WlMnHijii4W87Chq7XXfv4VwLpITNU7KgzBIFqefERTY6Wd65Qy6fnp8Wlu4qhIYrsBpfK8G-lzIisf6hFIWgHnuNo/s1600/DSC_4443.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="200" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEisg3fvtYem3NBkqjki_odr1PkefR71PTdIaTHoQNhGS3n2Y7AeD7WlMnHijii4W87Chq7XXfv4VwLpITNU7KgzBIFqefERTY6Wd65Qy6fnp8Wlu4qhIYrsBpfK8G-lzIisf6hFIWgHnuNo/s200/DSC_4443.JPG" width="132" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://northfieldtherapist.com/about-me.php" target="_blank">Stacey L. Klempnauer</a></td></tr>
</tbody></table>This November Minnesotans will vote on the marriage amendment. We will vote on whether or not marriage should be strictly between a man and a woman, and whether we should amend our state constitution to say that a marriage cannot be between two people of the same sex. I will be voting “No” and I want to share with you my reasons why.<br />
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First, I am very concerned about the message we are sending to our children. If this amendment passes, we are saying that lesbians and gays are second class citizens, not worthy of the same rights as those of us who are not gay. This message does not serve anyone in a useful way. It’s a message that promotes bullying – an issue that schools are currently battling, poor self-esteem in anyone who is deemed different, and fear in those who already feel marginalized and alone. And unfortunately, we have only to look at Anoka Hennepin Schools to see that an unaccepting attitude can also have an enormous impact on teen suicide.<br />
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Some of us will be voting “Yes” because of our moral and family values. I wonder, what are those values? I grew up in the church and the values I was taught were about God’s love, our need to emulate that love, and that all people are children of God. It seems pretty clear to me that discrimination against a group of people is not about love, but about hatred and bigotry. If we are going to make our choices based upon our religious values, it seems to me that we could focus on The Bible’s many examples of love, kindness, and compassion.<br />
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Second, I’m a mother of two. There is plenty in this world that I don’t care much for, but I don’t think it’s my job to teach hate and intolerance to my children. My job as a parent is much more complicated: to teach acceptance of others whether we agree with them or not. It’s my job to teach my kids about the beauty of diversity and encourage that they stay true to what they believe in while also maintaining an open mind to new and different ideas.<br />
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Lastly, half of my family is gay. I have a sibling whose same sex relationship outlasted the legal marriage of our different sex parents. You might ask how in the world…? Because they love one another. It’s pretty simple. While some of us might feel that lesbian and gay relationships are an abomination against God, they are really only about love. <br />
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I respect that there are people who don’t share my views (and I have no desire to pass a law to restrict your rights, by the way), and who are against same sex marriage. To you I would say, “don’t get into one”. That’s your right. It is not your right, in my opinion, to restrict the rights of others. <br />
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Regardless of where you fall on the issue, we have an opportunity here to think about whether it’s a good idea to alter the Minnesota constitution to legitimize discrimination. We have the opportunity to think about what, and how, we are teaching our children. And we have an opportunity to put into practice what we know about love, compassion, and acceptance of all people.<br />
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<i>-- <a href="http://northfieldtherapist.com/about-me.php">Stacey L. Klempnauer</a> is a licensed independent clinical social worker who lives and works in Northfield, MN with her husband and their two sons. She has been working in public health and social work for the past 15 years. In 2006, she opened her own private practice as a psychotherapist. </i>Annehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01216616459705692371noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-241470552116286331.post-55295649899787692332012-08-31T05:51:00.000-05:002012-08-31T05:51:01.507-05:00Free to Be You and Me vs. Gender Claustrophobia<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgSpJvWmBUtvtqXqMirSUlU5O71UB7VH3InB1CHuXf5eWCww_usZb5CEy9MSkBev_pp7NL2YA7vu77mfNrg0CeR4NS4Wq6hFdQ8_EwWRtUZhK_tA8ckgSbbka2VRlYb-Ytefo4PH3AxI8nt/s1600/xlarge.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="180" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgSpJvWmBUtvtqXqMirSUlU5O71UB7VH3InB1CHuXf5eWCww_usZb5CEy9MSkBev_pp7NL2YA7vu77mfNrg0CeR4NS4Wq6hFdQ8_EwWRtUZhK_tA8ckgSbbka2VRlYb-Ytefo4PH3AxI8nt/s320/xlarge.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>I've been thinking a lot about gender claustrophobia lately and this week in particular. And not just gender claustrophobia as in me, a woman, feeling choked by stereotypical notions of what it means to be a "man" or a "woman," but in terms of how the multitude of labels for various gender identities out there can feel choking and confining too.<br />
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As <a href="http://www.lovesexfamily.com/2012/08/talking-sexual-fluidity-with-my.html" target="_blank">I wrote</a> a couple of weeks ago, I first came across the term gender claustrophobia in the context not of "straight" people but among queer people who felt constrained by all the limited understandings of "homosexual," even within their own communities. I've always felt freer in queer communities, but the fact that within those too there's gender claustrophobia: well, that really struck me. It hit right home.<br />
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As our daughter turned four this summer, gaining a new level of self-reliance, my husband and I have enjoyed a few more nights out just the two of us. Last weekend, we went bar hopping in the cities, hanging out at those places rated highest on the LGBT friendly scale. The first place we went to, where we also had our dinner, sort of depressed me with its cool factor; like being queer was also acting cool, in a very self-conscious sort of way. Very confining. And not very free and cool at all.<br />
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At the second place, I was struck by the multitude of labels in all their rigidity, as odd as that may seem. So we have straight. And we have queer. And then we add more labels, to change things up and make things more colorful. But if the label gets too narrow; well then, how far have we really gotten? To just a bunch of claustrophobic boxes?<br />
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As <a href="http://www.lovesexfamily.com/2012/08/talking-sexual-fluidity-with-my.html" target="_blank">I've quoted</a>, "labels can be a good way to build community and find yourself, but they can become a problem if someone feels restricted or constrained by them." <br />
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To me, it would seem we would get farther if the labels themselves could broaden to include more. If the categories were looser; freer; providing more play-field to explore and define on own terms. If "heterosexually married" or even just "married" didn't come with so much old fashioned baggage; stereotypes regarding what it means to be married.<br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiOxBdGbf4Y9JM6TURdMiFBs77IBdSto05jYBCP_UTWeXwKpEuzCnVlP_NGqghm9ojVTTlKLJd9WgGyuUelJfJhoLE5hgsdgw5N2v94VKkVGeEAt0ZuvbvkYnsmIV4S7mhpZiZkGOl9Odtr/s1600/IMG_20120825_185801.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" height="200" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiOxBdGbf4Y9JM6TURdMiFBs77IBdSto05jYBCP_UTWeXwKpEuzCnVlP_NGqghm9ojVTTlKLJd9WgGyuUelJfJhoLE5hgsdgw5N2v94VKkVGeEAt0ZuvbvkYnsmIV4S7mhpZiZkGOl9Odtr/s200/IMG_20120825_185801.jpg" width="150" /></a>I felt the freest at the drag and king show we went to at the end of the night, though a transwoman (or was she a queen?) in the audience kept studying me, like "who is this person [me]?" or "what is this person [me] doing here?". As if I were an impostor. <br />
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The thing is, no matter how queer and free and fluid I may feel, I fear that the way I present (fabulous and glamorous if you ask me on a good day; check out this cell phone picture of me on our way out this particular evening), reduces me to, well: cisgender straight. Boring. An intruder. <br />
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Except to those good queer folks who already know me, of course.<br />
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I guess I'm just rehashing the fact that gender claustrophobia bothers me. And that it troubles me that it happens not just in straight contexts but in queer ones too. That doesn't really surprise me (and shouldn't, considering the origin of the term). But it still brings me down just a tad. <br />
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That said, I ironically found the performance (!) of specific gender identities the most freeing at the queen and king show because it was so out there. Free from the self-consciousness of the cool queers at the place we ate, and the flamboyant gays and rehearsed butches and femmes and bois and all the other cool and queer folks in between at the lush bar. It was just what it was. An old local bar in the cities; the oldest LGBT friendly bar in place, with people delivering a true good and honestly desired performance to be who you are inside in all its quirky and beautiful and inspiring uniqueness. As opposed to a contrived effort and attempt to fit into <i>that </i>particular way of doing, being, acting queer.<br />
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Free to be, you and me. That's all I want.<br />
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Photo credit: <a href="http://gawker.com/5938676/father-of-the-year-helps-dress+wearing-son-feel-comfortable-by-putting-on-a-skirt-himself" target="_blank">Father of the Year Helps Dress-Wearing Son Feel Comfortable By Putting on a Skirt Himself</a>Annehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01216616459705692371noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-241470552116286331.post-63579630460021134302012-08-23T10:08:00.000-05:002012-08-23T10:08:51.583-05:00Clearing Space for Children To Explore Gender {featured resource}<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg7rqGWg9RzPcRfHZ0unxL6i62V0zIzRgP5kX1Q8sTnsoNhQcbAJF4GQIy1T2L6ObYIL1gVhYr2-LN_m6iAFw4JENGpU6h9vhHaqoJ8DWm2wvVOB_zf5UH4gQfPcXq6o3UPeYCMRriK-RVm/s1600/rivers-truth-top.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg7rqGWg9RzPcRfHZ0unxL6i62V0zIzRgP5kX1Q8sTnsoNhQcbAJF4GQIy1T2L6ObYIL1gVhYr2-LN_m6iAFw4JENGpU6h9vhHaqoJ8DWm2wvVOB_zf5UH4gQfPcXq6o3UPeYCMRriK-RVm/s1600/rivers-truth-top.jpg" /></a></div>In <a href="http://inourwordsblog.com/2012/08/13/we-can-give-them-words-clearing-space-for-children-to-explore-gender/" target="_blank">We Can Give Them Words: Clearing Space for Children To Explore Gender</a>, Anna Cook of <a href="http://annajcook.blogspot.com/" target="_blank">The Feminist Librarian</a> offers her own positive advice and an overview over further resources for parents to normalize gender, sex, and sexuality variance for their children. Excerpt: "<i>Don’t conflate gender expression with sexual preference. Our culture does this constantly, whether in the assumption that princess boys will grow up to be gay or that women who are butch sleep exclusively with lipstick lesbians. [...]</i><br />
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</i> <i>Sexuality in the adult sense is something we grow into. It’s a process. And presuming adult sexual preferences for a child — whether it’s teasing them about a playground “boyfriend” or assuming their gender non-conformity will lead to same-sex desire — is unfairly boxing them into predetermined categories. [...]</i><br />
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</i> <i>Queer kids aren’t the only ones who need better tools and models than the ones our culture currently provides. So your own assumptions about your child’s gender or sexual identity aside, these suggestions apply to parenting all children. [...]</i><br />
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<i>C</i><i>ommunicate openness while also respecting your child’s autonomy and privacy. Best case scenario, you’ve been doing your darndest to communicate (in age-appropriate ways) your own lack of anxiety about your kids meeting heteronormative expectations; you’ve been explicitly voicing your support for a wide variety of gender expression and sexual desires. Pre-emptively expressing confidence in, and unconditional love for, your child is going to make it more possible for them to voice their wonderings about gender and sexuality as they grow into themselves.</i><br />
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</i> <i>The other side of this coin, though, is expressing interest in your child’s experience while not demanding information or taking over their process. [...]</i><br />
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</i> <i>Don’t become invested in your daughter-the-lesbian or your son-the-fey pansexual. Communicate acceptance of whomever she is and then clear the space. Give her privacy to listen and learn and grow. [...]</i><br />
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</i> <i>What your kid needs is an ally: someone they can trust to believe they can be themselves in the world. Someone to root for them, to be there when they need an adult advocate, and to back away and let them fly when they’re ready. Find a place to sort out your lingering fears and prejudices so you’ll be free to be there for them when they need you.</i>"<br />
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</i> Check out the entire post with all its practical and positive advice, as well as the extensive well-described resources at <a href="http://inourwordsblog.com/2012/08/13/we-can-give-them-words-clearing-space-for-children-to-explore-gender/" target="_blank">In Our Words: A Salon for Queers & Co.</a> Annehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01216616459705692371noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-241470552116286331.post-29769194754727252152012-08-14T17:34:00.001-05:002012-08-15T17:16:15.585-05:00Talking Sexual Fluidity with My Preschooler<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiv-GydXOQm-f9QmK2Z0g4ijTb0ik-d2MZY6ETlxiuHG_CXYrJOuqtKz77CUlyVE0_XUn0f-vDltxFK0z0LMTNtdGOMPnhY9296aqY3AqEkiVNwYIEhCi-T-ZyWYawV1ddJ69N7zhtt2dWp/s1600/genderbreadperson3.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="207" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiv-GydXOQm-f9QmK2Z0g4ijTb0ik-d2MZY6ETlxiuHG_CXYrJOuqtKz77CUlyVE0_XUn0f-vDltxFK0z0LMTNtdGOMPnhY9296aqY3AqEkiVNwYIEhCi-T-ZyWYawV1ddJ69N7zhtt2dWp/s320/genderbreadperson3.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>I've had an <a href="http://www.lovesexfamily.com/2012/06/talking-sex-with-my-three-year-old-from.html" target="_blank">ongoing discussion</a> about her body and sexuality with my daughter before she could verbally talk. Most recently, that conversation has broadened to address the wide range of sexual fluidity among people. The "new" normal is that there is no "normal," as <a href="http://www.huffingtonpost.com/peggy-drexler/how-to-talk-to-kids-about_b_1725459.html" target="_blank">Dr. Peggy Drexler points out</a>. People experience a wide range of gender identity and sexual orientation, and expressions of gender and desire vary.<br />
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Yet, people have an urge to label; to fix into neat categories. I get that "labels can be a good way to build community and find yourself, but they can become a problem if someone feels restricted or constrained by them," as the blogger of "monochrome in the 1960s" <a href="http://transgenderexpress.tumblr.com/post/26989255634/dont-you-ever-get-tired-of-these-people-trying-to" target="_blank">puts it</a>. I've always felt constricted by them. When I was doing research on gender and sexuality in Norway a few years back, I came across the term gender claustrophobia. And not just among women and men feeling pigeonholed as "cisgender" or "straight" — walking manifestations of a heteronormative culture — but among queer women and men who felt constrained by limited understandings of lesbian and gay, even within their communities.<br />
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The beautiful thing about talking sexual fluidity with a four-year-old is that she totally gets it. She gets that we can look female and feel male inside. She gets that the object of each person's affection can manifest immensely differently for that one person. She's not confused by our friends who are currently same-sex partnered while previously opposite-sex partnered. She's unfazed by the prospect of a woman gradually changing to look more like a man and vice versa.<br />
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It's not like I'd be doing my daughter a disservice by not teaching her that the "new" normal is that there is no "normal;" she already gets this. Children already get sexual fluidity. Ignoring or pretending there is no such fluidity would constitute a disservice; closing their minds and hearts off to that wonderful plurality of gender identity and sexual orientation that exist among us.Annehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01216616459705692371noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-241470552116286331.post-42317632474326285902012-08-07T11:53:00.001-05:002012-08-09T15:10:21.177-05:00We Are Family: Sex and Developmental Disabilities<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjHgvirUGK63atp0qVaNwbEDMHj2_V7NN-PO1o3TngYEX8ZpcYWei-7he1pNbcxEM0__-WlgEwCrGrzg1QskYTayrpqk87k1nJV9GMT3FcD_DAuJkTIBpqHsNRDOG6yyA5szea4rm9bNU1U/s1600/np078.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjHgvirUGK63atp0qVaNwbEDMHj2_V7NN-PO1o3TngYEX8ZpcYWei-7he1pNbcxEM0__-WlgEwCrGrzg1QskYTayrpqk87k1nJV9GMT3FcD_DAuJkTIBpqHsNRDOG6yyA5szea4rm9bNU1U/s1600/np078.jpg" /></a></div>This past weekend, I took my four-year-old to a <a href="http://www.laurabaker.org/archives/5664" target="_blank">Summer Fun Day Picnic</a> at Laura Baker Services Association (LBSA), a local school and home of many children and adults with developmental disabilities where my husband works as the family support services director and volunteer coordinator. This past spring, we offered a workshop to his colleagues on sex and developmental disabilities, and we've been asked to organize another one this fall, specifically to share curriculum and ideas with staff on how to teach clients about their bodies and sexuality.<br />
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In fact, I don't have too much experience interacting with people with developmental disabilities, but I believe firmly in their sexual rights. Sadly, all too many stereotypes linger around people with developmental disabilities, denying them ownership of their bodies and a healthy relationship with their sexuality. As is commonly reported in research on this topic, the fact that individuals who have developmental disabilities are also sexual beings is often overlooked by those who care for them, including guardians, support staff and even healthcare professionals.<br />
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I am grateful that my husband has colleagues who agree with us on the importance of educating LBSA's clients about their bodies and sexuality and the staff who works with them on how to do this. At the Summer Fun Day Picnic, I was moved by all the positive physical interaction I witnessed between staff and clients who may in the past have been deprived such positive touch. <br />
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Rather than such positive and respectful touch, many people with developmental disabilities are victims of abuse and neglect. A staggering 83% of women and 32% of men with developmental disabilities are sexually abused during their lifetime. Sexual abuse is the most common cause of sex-related problems for persons with developmental disabilities. At the picnic, I couldn't help wonder who among the clients might have experienced such abuse. My eyes lingered on the father of an adult female client. A dour looking elderly man, I was searching for a trace of kindness and affection in the way he escorted his daughter at the picnic. <br />
<br />
But overall, the atmosphere was overwhelmingly positive — in fact; celebratory. One of those amazing late summer days, the air mild and the sky blue, it felt like an oasis from the senseless rush of modern living. Time stood still as people lingered, making music, drumming, playing games, swinging, going for a horse-drawn wagon ride, and feasting on picnic food and root bear floats. A young couple — clients — couldn't get their arms off each other as they strolled around in the gardens; another one would dance and flirt and pretend to make music together in front of the band playing. <br />
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi1g-kKRZu-EfVALLOgywDvqV75SG3d1LSVWCCr2cfuROYcqBW1P0JNutpipzaPQ4gXHmh2_uPHz1266MLnv3pWe5tqRemYlzZCWbnD7iaEUAf88Veqo-1UGkOlQ63_2f1eRbZMz2epyLRw/s1600/IMG_0137.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" height="240" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi1g-kKRZu-EfVALLOgywDvqV75SG3d1LSVWCCr2cfuROYcqBW1P0JNutpipzaPQ4gXHmh2_uPHz1266MLnv3pWe5tqRemYlzZCWbnD7iaEUAf88Veqo-1UGkOlQ63_2f1eRbZMz2epyLRw/s320/IMG_0137.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>Really, it was a day of clients, staff, friends, family and community members celebrating that we truly are all family. Going on a carriage ride with a group of clients and staff, I couldn't help but choke up as a young male client sang in his low cracked voice all the verses of "It's a wonderful world." And when some clients and staff got up to gesticulate to the Village People's song "YMCA," I just felt such an abundant sense of deep joy and gratitude to have the opportunity to be included in this community and invited to contribute to it. <br />
<br />
In September, I'm heading over to Norway where I'll be researching how people with developmental disabilities and the people who work with them there are educated about sex. A world pioneer in introducing human sexuality education in the public schools, Norway has also gained international reputation for how it empowers people with developmental disabilities to run their own lives on their own terms, including sexually. I look forward to picking up concrete tools we could implement in a US context to empower people with developmental disabilities.Annehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01216616459705692371noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-241470552116286331.post-80623764695250962062012-07-31T20:56:00.000-05:002012-07-31T20:57:33.862-05:00This Is My Body {featured video}Watch this and be empowered and inspired. The video and its resources speak for themselves.<br />
<br />
<iframe allowfullscreen="" frameborder="0" height="281" mozallowfullscreen="" src="http://player.vimeo.com/video/45539176" webkitallowfullscreen="" width="500"></iframe> <br />
<a href="http://vimeo.com/45539176">This Is My Body</a> from <a href="http://vimeo.com/jasonstefaniak">Jason Stefaniak</a> on <a href="http://vimeo.com/">Vimeo</a>.<br />
<br />
This Is My Body <a href="https://www.facebook.com/ThisIsMyBody" target="_blank">Facebook Page</a>. <br />
<br />
Story on This Is My Body from <a href="http://msmagazine.com/blog/blog/2012/07/26/%E2%80%98this-is-my-body%E2%80%99-psa-portrays-women-speaking-out-for-control/" target="_blank">Ms. Magazine</a> blog via Care2.Annehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01216616459705692371noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-241470552116286331.post-28795196318138638122012-07-18T10:48:00.000-05:002012-07-18T10:48:54.810-05:00After Pornified: How Women Are Transforming Pornography & Why It Really Matters {featured book}<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEixzWdD7TQCNaWdSU0PiHcZ0s_m9_W6eZsteuc6lv-UaSKD74axfpFGmgO6E6s-jy6ECPzmEPXyXxuYvgm2iGodvAwoD33InSd7iJb9TPCIq7dKgKhelzHgu5ddRycoMqERmiOXuyDrm68/s1600/jhp4fb6315a3b4f8.jpg" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEixzWdD7TQCNaWdSU0PiHcZ0s_m9_W6eZsteuc6lv-UaSKD74axfpFGmgO6E6s-jy6ECPzmEPXyXxuYvgm2iGodvAwoD33InSd7iJb9TPCIq7dKgKhelzHgu5ddRycoMqERmiOXuyDrm68/s320/jhp4fb6315a3b4f8.jpg" width="207" /></a>Since pre-ordering at <a href="http://www.amazon.com/After-Pornified-Transforming-Pornography-Matters/dp/178099480X%3FSubscriptionId%3DAKIAIOJGEB6643FVTU7Q%26tag%3Dwwwobookscom-20%26linkCode%3Dxm2%26camp%3D2025%26creative%3D165953%26creativeASIN%3D178099480X" target="_blank">Amazon US</a> and <a href="http://www.amazon.co.uk/After-Pornified-Anne-G-Sabo/dp/178099480X%3FSubscriptionId%3DAKIAIOJGEB6643FVTU7Q%26tag%3Dwwwobookscom-21%26linkCode%3Dxm2%26camp%3D2025%26creative%3D165953%26creativeASIN%3D178099480X" target="_blank">Amazon UK</a> is now available for my book <b><i>After Pornified: How Women Are Transforming Pornography & Why It Really Matters</i></b>, a note about it here seems appropriate. <i>After Pornified </i> — where female pornmakers lead the way, empowering women to claim their bodies and sex against a pornified culture — seeks to empower and inspire women, and men, to own and explore their bodies and sexualities against pornified media, erotic clichés, and claustrophobic gender stereotypes. <br />
<br />
<a href="http://www.zero-books.net/books/after-pornified-how-women-are-transforming-pornography-why-it-really-matters" target="_blank">Zer0 Books</a> — the Culture, Society, and Politics imprint of <a href="http://www.johnhuntpublishing.com/?i=">John Hunt Publishing</a> — is my publisher. I am proud to be a part of their team of authors whose discourse is "intellectual without being academic, popular without being populist." <a href="http://www.guardian.co.uk/books/2012/feb/17/radical-alternatives-conventional-publishing" target="_blank">The Guardian</a> ran a feature on Zer0 Books this past winter, describing Zer0 Books as "One of the most exciting radical presses at the moment. ... Zer0 titles are commissioned, edited and published quickly — and that energy and velocity carries through to the writing itself. Zer0 writers share an ability to write passionately, avoiding the clunky prose of academia and generating new lines of inquiry rather than just regurgitating critical clichés."— This seems like a good fit for me.<br />
<br />
From the <a href="http://www.zero-books.net/books/after-pornified-how-women-are-transforming-pornography-why-it-really-matters" target="_blank">publisher's page</a>:<br />
<i>Porn brings up a lot of negative images in our sexualized, pornified culture. But today a growing number of women are radically changing porn to authentically capture with respect and realism the sexual lives of women and men, empowering and inspiring the viewer to claim her sexuality against a pornified culture, and creating a real counterweight to pornified media and porn as it’s been known. Porn affects us. Today, women are leading the way to make those effects positive. </i>After Pornified<i> lets you see how.</i><br />
<a name='more'></a><br />
Find out more about my book and what people are saying about it at <a href="http://www.annegsabo.com/p/after-pornified.html" target="_blank">my author's page</a>. My <a href="http://www.newpornbywomen.com/" target="_blank">New porn by women</a> blog accompanies my book, and I post related articles and news about it there.Annehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01216616459705692371noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-241470552116286331.post-42018277831538711882012-07-10T11:00:00.000-05:002012-07-10T13:38:49.147-05:00Magic Mike: A Frolicking Celebration of Male Sexuality<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="http://magicmikemovie.warnerbros.com/gallery/_0046_46.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="238" src="http://magicmikemovie.warnerbros.com/gallery/_0046_46.jpg" width="400" /></a></div>
Salon staff writer Tracy Clark-Flory <a href="http://www.salon.com/2012/06/29/male_strippers_please_just_leave_it_on/" target="_blank">accuses</a> Steven Soderbergh's new movie "<a href="http://magicmikemovie.warnerbros.com/" target="_blank">Magic Mike</a>" for "devaluing women’s sexuality and desire" while turning male stripping into an "unsexy" "parodic" thing: "goofball, absurd and sometimes repulsive." On the contrary, I would argue that "Magic Mike" — marketed as a stripper rom com — offers us a frolicking celebration of male sexuality enjoyed both by the male strippers and their female audiences. <br />
<br />
As a university student in Seattle, I joined a few of my male friends at a female strip club. What saddened me the most, was the lack of joy in both the women's performance and among the male audience. Sure, my friends were laughing, yet not for joy but derision. Derision at the other guys who'd slink into their seats, and derision at the detached, formulaic performance by the female strippers.<br />
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I know there are female strippers who experience their work as <a href="http://www.lovesexfamily.com/2011/05/healing-power-of-sex-work.html" target="_blank">empowering and therapeutic</a> both for themselves and their male audience. According to Clark-Flory, "arousal and longing ... reliably fills the air in a female strip club." But that was not the case in my experience, and nor has it been for the men I know who've visited such a club, including my friends and husband. <br />
<br />
Men's sexuality is deeply stigmatized in our culture as crude and offensive; men are the predators and women are their victims. When men are given <a href="http://www.newpornbywomen.com/2011/05/beautiful-male-bodies.html" target="_blank">the message</a> that their sexuality exploits and is "gross" and "icky," how really can they feel truly good about frequenting a female strip club? <br />
<br />
The female strip club I went to reeked of shame. The male strip club featured in "Magic Mike" exudes pride and joy. The men savor their bodies and sex on stage and off, spinning and thrusting their bodies to pulsating rhythms in the stage light, and strutting around and leisurely lounging at a Fourth of July beach party in the sparkling sunlight. <br />
<br />
I enjoy looking at <a href="http://www.newpornbywomen.com/2011/05/beautiful-male-bodies.html" target="_blank">beautiful male bodies</a>. I value taking pride in our bodies and sexuality. And I appreciate that feeling of exuberance in a sexually confident body, and the reassuring feeling it's okay and we can laugh at it when you're with someone you feel totally at ease and comfortable with. "<a href="http://www.hugoschwyzer.net/2011/05/11/some-laughter-with-my-lovemaking-on-the-deathly-seriousness-of-porn/" target="_blank">Some laughter with the lovemaking, please</a>," begged author and gender studies professor Hugo Schwyzer a while back while criticizing porn and sexual performance for its "deadly seriousness" and "deathly humorlessness."<br />
<br />
Mainstream porn is as devoid of joy as it's devoid of genuine chemistry. In my <a href="http://www.hugoschwyzer.net/2011/05/11/some-laughter-with-my-lovemaking-on-the-deathly-seriousness-of-porn/#comment-2100" target="_blank">comment</a> to Schwyzer, I pointed out that the new progressive porn by women that I discuss in my <a href="http://www.annegsabo.com/p/after-pornified.html" target="_blank"><i>After Pornified</i></a> book, on the other hand, in fact communicates genuine connection and chemistry which encourages joy and invites laughter. This is the kind of porn I enjoy watching.<br />
<br />
Women are sexually aroused by looking at porn and sexual imageries, <a href="http://www.newpornbywomen.com/2011/06/women-not-visually-aroused-really.html" target="_blank">whether they like what they see or not</a>. This was also what professor Meredith Chivers found in her extensive <a href="http://www.nytimes.com/2009/01/25/magazine/25desire-t.html?pagewanted=all" target="_blank">study on male and female arousal patterns</a>, which Clark-Flory unfortunately misquotes, arguing that Chivers "found that heterosexual women showed no arousal response — neither physically nor subjectively — to nude guys working out. Their response to these exercising fellas was comparable to their reaction to footage of a mountainscape." What Chivers in fact found was that women — as opposed to the men who displayed more "narrowly focused desires" — displayed a "ruddlerless" arousal patterns to all sorts of images, including apes mating and clips of heterosexual sex, male and female homosexual sex, a man masturbating, a woman masturbating, a chiseled man walking naked on a beach and a well-toned woman doing calisthenics in the nude. True, they responded objectively much more to the exercising woman than to the strolling man though — and why? Chivers suggests an answer, explaining that one theory suggests that <br />
<blockquote>
women are prone to lubricate, if only protectively, to hints of sex in their surroundings. Thinking of her own data, Chivers speculated that bonobo coupling, or perhaps simply the sight of a male ape’s erection, stimulated this reaction because apes bear a resemblance to humans — she joked about including, for comparison, a movie of mating chickens in a future study. And she wondered if the theory explained why heterosexual women responded genitally more to the exercising woman than to the ambling man. Possibly, she said, the exposure and tilt of the woman’s vulva during her calisthenics was processed as a sexual signal while the man’s unerect penis registered in the opposite way.</blockquote>
Attractive men are nice to watch; an attractive man who exudes sex is of a whole other caliber. According to Clark-Flory, the female patrons of male strip clubs "are typically cracking up, shielding their eyes in mock horror or cartoonishly objectifying male dancers as a performance for their friends" — and no wonder considering the example Clark-Flory gives, namely the one and only male trip club she concedes having been to, which featured this scenario:<br />
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
Onstage was an overly tanned dark-and-handsome type dressed like a race car driver. He slowly unzipped his onesie while popping his knee to the throbbing techno music, which was accented by sounds of a car engine revving. Once naked, he took his flaccid penis in his hand, stretched it out as far as he could and let go; it snapped back to his body and flopped around as he wiggled his eyebrows at the crowd.</blockquote>
"Ladies-only male strip clubs exist primarily for groups of female friends to get a li’l wild ‘n’ crazy — in a parodic way — not for individual women to pursue their carnal desires," concludes Clark-Flory. This would resonate with Jen Doll at <a href="http://www.theatlanticwire.com/entertainment/2012/06/summer-objectification-has-apparently-begun/53897/#" target="_blank"><i>The Atlantic Wire</i></a> who argues that "the summer of objectification" is fake: that women visiting male strip clubs or reading and talking about <a href="http://www.newpornbywomen.com/2012/04/mommy-porn-fanfiction-and-bdsm.html" target="_blank"><i>Fifty Shades of Grey</i></a> is the inauthentic result of women retaliating against men for how they've objectified women. Women go home after visiting the male strip club or their night out "giggling about <i>Fifty Shades of Grey</i>" feeling "sort of glum about all of it, because it has been fake, a moment constructed for the appearance, though not the reality, of sexual empowerment." But how can she be so sure?<br />
<br />
Why do we not, as I wrote in <a href="http://www.newpornbywomen.com/2012/06/summer-of-objectification.html" target="_blank">my blog</a>, consider <a href="http://www.newpornbywomen.com/2012/04/mommy-porn-fanfiction-and-bdsm.html" target="_blank">the hype about<i> Fifty Shades of Grey</i></a> as an opportunity for women to get "excited and invigorated with the idea that we can try something new, get creative and have fun here," as the <a href="http://www.startribune.com/lifestyle/159953475.html" target="_blank">owner of the feminist sex shop Smitten Kitten</a> does, instead of being so quick at dismissing women enjoying beautiful male bodies or exploring new erotic fantasies as either a faked act or shallow payback?<br />
<br />
A while back, I put on a mini-striptease in the bedroom for my husband. Always complementing my body, he nevertheless pointed out that he "could have done without the self-consciousness." The men stripping in "Magic Mike" are highly aware of their bodies' effect on the audience, but they are void of the insecure self-consciousness I displayed in our bedroom that night. On the contrary, these men own their bodies and sexuality. Donning an array of costumes, they certainly perform a range of roles with a certain tongue-in-cheek mischievousness but not at the cost of their "male erotic power," as Clark-Flory would have it. <br />
<br />
And for the women, I do not see these men's stripping for them as the "inevitable result of devaluing women’s sexuality and desire," but on the contrary as an incredibly sexy and extremely well-done and carefully rehearsed performance, which is highly welcome to a gleeful female audience that has all too long been denied erotic performances and material that cater to their desires.Annehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01216616459705692371noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-241470552116286331.post-44274540859229520242012-07-02T16:07:00.003-05:002012-07-02T16:07:56.583-05:00More Women Enjoy Sex Postpartum {featured news}<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhyuddP_0qRTu0yIdjSwdEy0Ld1RQNsCs4AeGV0m2dcsQsPSzj3jJXyAV8vpH7UBpe23GhTSX2UoVVjKFhyphenhyphenyWFiXQqvunf93S1Tvl9VvEi2DHWzLQtoVvV7U_LqszhUoHCj_TyC8W-0eKwz/s1600/man-woman-bed-120629.jpg" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="291" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhyuddP_0qRTu0yIdjSwdEy0Ld1RQNsCs4AeGV0m2dcsQsPSzj3jJXyAV8vpH7UBpe23GhTSX2UoVVjKFhyphenhyphenyWFiXQqvunf93S1Tvl9VvEi2DHWzLQtoVvV7U_LqszhUoHCj_TyC8W-0eKwz/s320/man-woman-bed-120629.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
Women's
sexual desire is so often either criticized as absent or derided as
uncontrolled: rarely is it respectfully approached in its wholesome
wholeness, especially in the case of new moms' sex. Which is why <a href="http://www.researchgate.net/publication/225277628_Exploring_Women%27s_Postpartum_Sexuality_Social_Psychological_Relational_and_Birth-Related_Contextual_Factors" target="_blank">this new study</a>
documenting women's sexual desire and behavior postpartum is so welcome
to me. Yes; women postpartum are often too tired and over-touched for
"sex." That does not mean they are not sexual or that they do not
experience sexual desire and pleasure.<br />
<br />
I labored for 64
hours before giving birth to my child due to some scar tissue on my
cervix; intercourse hurt for a year after that. That said, a sexual life
and sexual pleasure returned to me before those 6 recommended weeks of
"abstinence only."<br />
<br />
Below are a few quotations from <a href="http://www.livescience.com/21306-truth-postpartum-sex.html" target="_blank">an article</a> reporting on this new study on what new moms reveal regarding the truth about postpartum sex that rung true to me: <br />
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The
new baby period is a time of little sleep and healing from childbirth,
two factors not conducive to a rambunctious sex life. But studies have
shown that new parenthood doesn't cool the sex drive for long. Research
suggests that desire returns to prepregnancy levels within about three
to four weeks. [...]<br />
<br />
By the end of the first three
months, 85 percent of the women had started having intercourse again.
Sixty-five percent had engaged in oral sex and 61 percent had
masturbated. In general, van Anders said, women start performing oral
sex and masturbating first, with receptive oral sex and penile-vaginal
intercourse coming later. The findings were detailed online June 6 in
The Journal of Sexual Medicine. [...]<br />
<br />
The biggest
driver of high sexual desire for women were their feelings of intimacy
and closeness to their partners, the researchers found. Next came their
partner's interest in sex, followed by their own number of sexual
feelings and their amount of support from their partner. Top sex-drive
killers were fatigue, the baby's sleeping habits and a lack of time. <br />
<br />
Contrary
to beliefs that a man seeing his partner in the throes of labor is a
turn-off, the study found that women whose partners were in the delivery
room reported stronger sexual desire post-birth. Van Anders and her
colleagues are now collecting data on men's experiences in the first
months of their children's lives, but it may be that the support during
labor boosts intimacy in couples, she said.<br />
<br />
Doctors
usually recommend that women avoid sex in the first six weeks
postpartum, both to promote healing and to reduce the risk of infection.
But 26 percent of women did engage in intercourse before their six-week
checkup, van Anders said. (After seven weeks, that number jumps to 61
percent.) Masturbation rates of 40 percent in the first few weeks
suggest that women are interested in getting back to being sexual.<br />
<br />
Read the whole article here: <a href="http://www.livescience.com/21306-truth-postpartum-sex.html" target="_blank">New Moms Reveal the Truth About Postpartum Sex </a>Annehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01216616459705692371noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-241470552116286331.post-25923940336227121452012-06-25T11:57:00.000-05:002012-06-26T22:23:56.479-05:00Woman Fights Right Not to Cover Up at Pool {featured news}<table cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="float: left; margin-right: 1em; text-align: left;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhyuc_MEhsxJwW55PmcmI-C7GaUX6RYvY7V-XAtyYJ81GyPTNyf1apVK5tvpnQVlKToHHxg3X94WDK-vAx8BhvXrsMIO8AjZwp8Ap7z90NKgRSgwSK37SufkgRkTDzsVMMIKQzl7SeNT4gB/s1600/NewsLead-CLICK.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="215" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhyuc_MEhsxJwW55PmcmI-C7GaUX6RYvY7V-XAtyYJ81GyPTNyf1apVK5tvpnQVlKToHHxg3X94WDK-vAx8BhvXrsMIO8AjZwp8Ap7z90NKgRSgwSK37SufkgRkTDzsVMMIKQzl7SeNT4gB/s320/NewsLead-CLICK.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Jodi Jaecks</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
Public nudity is allowed in Seattle but this woman — Jodi Jaecks who has undergone bilateral mastectomy and who describes herself as an androgynous lesbian woman — was told to cover up at a city pool.<br />
<br />
Apparently, Seattle Parks and Recreation officials felt that the exposed scars would upset the "family friendly" environment they seek for their pools. I wonder what they think would be most unsettling: the scars as reminders of cancer or the scars as reminders of the breasts that once were.<br />
<br />
Not only is wearing a post-mastectomy swimsuit uncomfortable for Jaecks, she also stresses that baring her scars is important because it was the photo of a mother who had undergone a mastectomy lying freely on a beach with her children that first inspired her to get a mastectomy, rather than a less-invasive procedure. A drastic decision, it ultimately freed her from fear of more frequent surgeries, mammogram checks and possible cancer resurgence.<br />
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After the media picked up on Jaecks' story, Seattle Parks and Recreation made an exception in her case, granting her the right to swim topless but only during adult lap sessions. Permission to swim topless will be considered on a case-by-case basis for other people who have undergone surgeries.<br />
<br />
Jaecks says that's not good enough. She wants the dress code changed for all women with mastectomy scars. And she objects to the stipulation that allows her to swim topless only during adult lap sessions. As Jaecks points out, "kids get cancer, too. It's a human fact people need to wrap their heads around. Children can embrace reality, too."<br />
<br />
In response, Seattle Parks and Recreation has agreed to form a committee to review its policy for all people using the city's pools. <br />
<br />
Read more: <br />
<a href="http://www.thestranger.com/seattle/cover-up/Content?oid=13970858">Cover Up</a> <i>The Stranger</i><br />
<a href="http://slog.thestranger.com/slog/archives/2012/06/21/city-will-consider-wholesale-change-to-pool-policy">City Will Consider "Wholesale Change" to Pool Policy</a> <i>The Stranger</i><br />
<a href="http://seattletimes.nwsource.com/html/localnews/2018485244_swimmer.html">Breast-cancer survivor fights city, wins right to swim in pool topless</a> <i>The Seattle Times</i>Annehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01216616459705692371noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-241470552116286331.post-3266110748662689622012-06-20T16:27:00.000-05:002012-06-20T16:29:37.170-05:00The Fluidity of Male Sexual Desire {featured read}<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhVwZt2Ecmltu9r5Rq5O404CQKxz1PcpJ1FaHlqpj3aV0ilVU-kugJItUdrJjiXpbCLqgWhbBGVUqNYokLT-K5DrYUNfDkbcRcr46Kf0Lm-S7PrAJgsL0w8VPWGsU3Xq0XJF0WmYZkzpaL6/s1600/SEX-Hugo-Bisexual.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="190" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhVwZt2Ecmltu9r5Rq5O404CQKxz1PcpJ1FaHlqpj3aV0ilVU-kugJItUdrJjiXpbCLqgWhbBGVUqNYokLT-K5DrYUNfDkbcRcr46Kf0Lm-S7PrAJgsL0w8VPWGsU3Xq0XJF0WmYZkzpaL6/s320/SEX-Hugo-Bisexual.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
The <a href="http://www.lovesexfamily.com/2012/06/fluidity-of-womens-sexual-desire.html" target="_blank">fluidity of female sexual desire</a> is given increasing attention whereas male sexual desire is typically dismissed as either straight or gay. Gender studies professor, writer and blogger Hugo Schwyzer takes this to task in a recent post at <a href="http://goodmenproject.com/ethics-values/mythbusting-bisexual-men/" target="_blank">The Good Men Project</a>, rightly arguing that "We accept that women’s sexuality is remarkably fluid. That’s a good thing, as that recognition opens up a whole world of possibility. But the flip side is the continued insistence that male sexuality is static, simple, and comes in only two distinct flavors: gay or straight.<br />
<br />
That thinking doesn’t just sell bisexual guys short. It reinforces the toxic myth that men can never have inner lives as rich, complex, and surprising as women so evidently do."<br />
<br />
Sharing his own bisexual experiences, Hugo's post is a compelling read. I highly recommend it.<br />
<br />
The Good Men Project: <a href="http://goodmenproject.com/ethics-values/mythbusting-bisexual-men/" target="_blank">Mythbusting Bisexual Men</a><br />
<br />
A few highlights:<br />
<a name='more'></a><br />
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
One of the corollaries to this dismissiveness of the possibility of male bisexuality is what I call the “sexual one-drop rule.” The original one-drop rule, developed in the Jim Crow era, declared that anyone who had as much as a drop of “Negro blood” was to be considered “colored.” To be white, one had to be free from any African ancestry. The sexual version is similar: It declares that any man who has any sexual attraction to other men is gay. Women can have complex and fluid desires, but men live by a strict dichotomy. You either are or you aren’t, and if you’ve ever wanted to fuck a man (or acted on that want), then you’re gay. End of story. [...]<br />
<br />
In more than a quarter-century of thinking, writing, and eventually teaching about male bisexuality, I’ve become convinced that the inability to accept the reality of bisexuality in men is linked to fears about fidelity. The myth that men are naturally promiscuous while women are naturally monogamous endures. So we assume that a bisexual woman can make a commitment to either a man or a woman, and that she’ll be able to stay faithful. But we already think straight men have a hard enough time remaining true—the expectation that a bisexual man will invariably cheat is high. [...]<br />
<br />
I can speak from my own experience, which is that monogamy is no harder for bisexuals than it is for straight or gay folks. Even if you’re only sexually attracted to females, there’s no way your wife or girlfriend can possibly embody everything that draws you to women. [...]<br />
<br />
Before making a lifetime commitment to someone, almost everyone—gay, straight, or bi—struggles with the realization that if everything works out as they hope, they’ll never have sex with anyone other than their partners for the rest of their lives. Lots of people find that terrifying. But that’s a general fear about the loss of possibility rather than a specific anxiety about not being able to sleep with a particular type. An engaged man might have some misgivings about fidelity, but he’s not thinking “Damn, my fiancée is a brunette. I’ll never fuck a natural blonde again.” [...]</blockquote>
Read the whole thing <a href="http://goodmenproject.com/ethics-values/mythbusting-bisexual-men/" target="_blank">here</a>.Annehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01216616459705692371noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-241470552116286331.post-19622663629354969582012-06-18T11:43:00.000-05:002012-06-18T11:48:08.911-05:00New Cultural Trends of Becoming or Not a Mother {featured reads}<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhF5PQ84pDMo9OhWabxPApJfWdg2YJsDfkzaYScdBJ4tM3m2FNa09vQLZPx5Xj0d6CGp_JSzFbm9DZeVTA2SW2KFHBx9HKz7pK6K_tr7anu8H8SdgWLLlAn4jzbLRSfbvcH1h5lAHp6uaiw/s1600/original.png" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="180" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhF5PQ84pDMo9OhWabxPApJfWdg2YJsDfkzaYScdBJ4tM3m2FNa09vQLZPx5Xj0d6CGp_JSzFbm9DZeVTA2SW2KFHBx9HKz7pK6K_tr7anu8H8SdgWLLlAn4jzbLRSfbvcH1h5lAHp6uaiw/s320/original.png" width="320" /></a></div>
Two recent articles on new cultural trends regarding motherhood struck my attention. The first was a <a href="http://www.startribune.com/lifestyle/158322785.html" target="_blank">news feature</a> reporting on so called "choice moms:" women who in the end opt for single motherhood while hoping to find a co-parent/spouse later on. The article explains this trend in terms of men taking longer to mature and women not wanting to settle for less or miss out on their chance of motherhood.<br />
<br />
The second is a <a href="http://jezebel.com/5908514/when-motherhood-never-happens" target="_blank">personal essay</a> by a single woman in the last year of her thirties faced with the very real possibility of not becoming a mom. Reflecting on the cultural and peer pressures of becoming a mom and joining the motherhood party — as also recounted in a recent <i>New York Times</i> <a href="http://parenting.blogs.nytimes.com/2012/05/06/its-not-that-i-dont-want-children-exactly/" target="_blank">Motherlode post</a> — she makes a compelling plea that we recognize the party of those who do not become moms too: <br />
<a name='more'></a><blockquote>
As friends and colleagues get hitched and have babies, sometimes I start to feel like a straggler at a party. Everyone's gone home, what am I still doing here? [...] </blockquote>
<blockquote>
They say the unexamined life is not worth living. I'd argue that on the other hand, the over-analyzed life is a suffocating wet blanket. Sometimes you have to just be. </blockquote>
<blockquote>
And maybe instead of picturing myself as the straggler at the party, it's important to see beyond all the baby mama drama, recognize that on this side of the fence, there's plenty of love, good times, late nights, late mornings, travel, shopping, joy, indulgence, pleasure, accomplishment. It might not be celebrated, revered, fetishized on TV and in magazines the way the motherhood narrative is, but it's there. It exists. If I end up staying at this party instead of heading to the other party, it's still a party, and if we're not praised, we should praise ourselves. We congratulate women when they get pregnant; why don't we congratulate women who do not? </blockquote>
<blockquote>
Louisa in Eureka writes:<br />
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
I am 60, no children, two step-children. As a woman who chose not to have kids, I was fortunate, compared to others I know: I received no pressure from family, and I did find my tribe, though I understand what Janis means when she says she felt "homeless" sometimes. </blockquote>
</blockquote>
<blockquote>
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
Still, no one ever said to me, "Thank you. Thank you for giving the biggest possible gift to the planet by not having a child—bigger than any other act— not owning a car or not flying." No one ever gives people without children any credit. </blockquote>
</blockquote>
<blockquote>
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
Helping the planet was not my reason for not having children, of course; that wasn't on my radar or the culture's radar 30-odd years ago. But it was the end result. And I resent the fact that no one ever acknowledges that.</blockquote>
</blockquote>Annehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01216616459705692371noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-241470552116286331.post-16693888975840168112012-06-11T11:32:00.003-05:002012-06-11T11:39:43.100-05:00Talking Sex with My Three-Year-Old: From Baby-Making to Self-Pleasuring and More<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEifuF7oMKA2WeIvIXA3pw4HtfR0G_a8JGxzg0QcG2SFKLPA1OZLlhOGr64_eYovYG_4ox9UMl5XZdiBHLZ2pikoCadETjoZsXbh7UckMNoqp1iOREXHNetgcpp-I6_s6-0HlF4E1otX71Oc/s1600/Lennart-Nilsson-4.jpg" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="210" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEifuF7oMKA2WeIvIXA3pw4HtfR0G_a8JGxzg0QcG2SFKLPA1OZLlhOGr64_eYovYG_4ox9UMl5XZdiBHLZ2pikoCadETjoZsXbh7UckMNoqp1iOREXHNetgcpp-I6_s6-0HlF4E1otX71Oc/s320/Lennart-Nilsson-4.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
I've
been talking sex quite a bit this past year with our three-year-old.
Most recently, at almost four, the conversation has focused a lot on
conception and birth, primarily because she'd love for us to make
another baby, and also because she's been wanting to look at pictures
from when she was very little, including in my womb. We look at pictures
of my big pregnant belly and those documenting her birth. She gets that
it hurts to push a baby out of a tiny vagina. <br />
<br />
Because
we've been teaching her the correct names for all body parts, she is
quite comfortable with the concepts of penis and vagina. I've explained
to her that papa's penis enters mama's vagina where it releases tiny
sperm cells that swim as best as they can to find an egg in my womb.
Anatomically this seems to make good sense to her; she came upon my
husband and I one weekend afternoon in bed with him on top of me in fact
trying to conceive a child (and no; I haven't gone into different
positions with her). In terms of what happens inside my body, she in
fact seems to grasp quite beautifully the internal encounter of the
sperm and the egg, as I report in <a href="http://www.quizzicalmama.com/2011/11/miracle-of-life.html" target="_blank">this post</a>.<br />
<a name='more'></a><br />
About a year ago, her interest was more on the various parts of the genitals. As I write about <a href="http://www.quizzicalmama.com/2011/03/teaching-my-toddler-about-her-yoni.html" target="_blank">here</a>,
she came across me trimming my pubic hair one day and got curious about
my labia. She was so proud when she found and could name her own as
well. This more focused interest in genitals got me to track down and
review books about it aimed to children. You can find my review of these
books <a href="http://www.lovesexfamily.com/2011/08/children-and-their-genitals-fostering.html" target="_blank">here</a>.
As I point out, books featuring the correct terms for genitals as well
as positive, informative illustrations are sorely lacking. I have found
the photo study book <a href="http://www.lovesexfamily.com/2011/04/ill-show-you-mine.html" target="_blank"><i>I'll Show You Mine</i></a><i> </i>to
be one of the most helpful books in terms of pointing out all parts of
the vulva to her, including the inner and outer labia, clitoris, and
vagina<i>. </i>From time to time she'll ask if we can look at this book again together. <i> </i> <br />
<br />
Speak
soon and speak often, recommend sex educators. Don't assume that
something that's been explained and grasped once is entirely processed
and absorbed. And forget about the awkward "Talk" and make it into a
lifelong conversation that starts in the child's first year of life when
teaching her all the correct terms for the different parts of her body,
including her genitals, and encouraging her to feel good about her body
and her exploration of her body, including her genitals. Positive touch
is essential. Bath time and diaper changes are good teaching
opportunities when they are very little. The curiosity of toddlers and
preschoolers will keep the conversation going.<br />
<br />
I don't
expect my child to understand all about the ins and outs of intercourse
and conception, menstruation and masturbation, but because we've started
the conversation and already talked to her about how babies are made
and what it means when I bleed and how self-touch feels good and how she
too will grow pubic hair and breasts, and so on, we can know that by
the time she enters adolescence, she will be that much more informed and
empowered to honor her own body and the bodies of others. <br />
<br />
For more, check out these readings: <br />
<br />
<a href="http://www.lovesexfamily.com/2011/08/children-and-their-genitals-fostering.html" target="_blank">Children and Their Genitals: Fostering a Positive Relationship </a><br />
Brief
synopses of books that are available to help teach girls and boys about
their bodies and human sexuality. The article looks at books aimed at
children in various age groups, from preschool years and up through
pre-adolescence and adolescence. The books cover such topics as anatomy,
reproduction, pregnancy, privacy, birth, puberty, and the differences
between boys and girls.<br />
<br />
<a href="http://www.lovesexfamily.com/2012/03/talk-with-your-kids-about-masturbation.html" target="_blank">Talk with Your Kids about Masturbation </a><br />
Featuring advice on how to talk with your kids about self-pleasuring and masturbation from they are toddlers to teenagers.<br />
<br />
<a href="http://www.lovesexfamily.com/2011/08/talking-to-your-kids-about-your-sex.html" target="_blank">Talking to Your Kids About Your Sex Toys </a><br />
My
advice on how to talk to your kids about your sex toys is quoted at
length in this post by sex educator Dr. Charlie Glickman. <br />
<br />
<a href="http://www.quizzicalmama.com/2011/03/teaching-my-toddler-about-her-yoni.html" target="_blank">Teaching My Toddler about Her Yoni</a><br />
A post on how teaching my toddler about the labia, mine and hers included, empowered both her and me.<br />
<br />
<a href="http://www.lovesexfamily.com/2012/01/if-you-want-your-sex-talk-to-stay-in.html" target="_blank">If You Want Your Sex Talk to Stay in the Family</a><br />
This post features advice to parents who recognize the importance in talking with their kids about sex, but who prefer their sex talk to stay in the family.<br />
<br />
<a href="http://www.quizzicalmama.com/2011/11/miracle-of-life.html" target="_blank">The Miracle of Life</a><br />
Write-up of watching <i>The Miracle of Life</i>
with our three-year-old child. This stunning documentary feature
timeless internal photographs by Swedish photographer Lennart Nilsson
following sperms on their journey, the development of the egg, and their
ultimate encounter, which our daughter replicated in drawing a few
days after we watched this film.<br />
<br />
<a href="http://www.lovesexfamily.com/2011/04/ready-set-grow.html" target="_blank">Ready, Set, Grow! A "What's Happening to My Body?" Book for Younger Girls</a><br />
My review of this book aimed at girls ages eight to eleven.<br />
<br />
<a href="http://www.lovesexfamily.com/2011/05/period-book.html" target="_blank">The Period Book: Everything You Don't Want to Ask (But Need to Know)</a><br />
My review of this book written for pre-adolescent and adolescent girls.<br />
<br />
<a href="http://www.lovesexfamily.com/2011/05/whats-going-on-down-there.html" target="_blank">What's Going on Down There? Answers to Questions Boys Find Hard to Ask </a><br />
My review of this book aimed at pubescent boys.<br />
<br />
<a href="http://www.lovesexfamily.com/2011/04/ill-show-you-mine.html" target="_blank">I'll Show You Mine</a><br />
My review of this amazing photo study of sixty women’s genitals embracing the diversity of the vulvae.Annehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01216616459705692371noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-241470552116286331.post-41042762413055149812012-06-04T10:32:00.001-05:002012-06-11T09:16:27.504-05:00The Fluidity of Women's Sexual Desire {featured news}<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh6R_3t7IzeAEARLWdMBSIASfMqjbdrL1zooVS0XXXJT3hkP6ZQxqLWs82oihCUkdFVW8ONNDujXZhikHy2NnIEDStZVA3duuShRLNNLhRGR0z4qqf7nuOL1dK4J3aIkb4eugn4zQosf7La/s1600/4a37873fd9dabc1ab4c4ca7697be3aca3384b40d0b0315d9c993d1af72bf4012.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="155" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh6R_3t7IzeAEARLWdMBSIASfMqjbdrL1zooVS0XXXJT3hkP6ZQxqLWs82oihCUkdFVW8ONNDujXZhikHy2NnIEDStZVA3duuShRLNNLhRGR0z4qqf7nuOL1dK4J3aIkb4eugn4zQosf7La/s320/4a37873fd9dabc1ab4c4ca7697be3aca3384b40d0b0315d9c993d1af72bf4012.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>A team of Norwegian researchers has found that women, unlike men, feel hornier in the spring because their sex drive is more affected by external circumstances, including light and sun. Sunlight is known to have an impact on the amount of various hormones, such as endorphins, produced by the body and an explanatory factor determining heightened sexual activity. Reports <a href="http://www.thelocal.no/page/view/study-men-want-more-sex-in-the-autumn-women-in-the-spring" target="_blank"><i>The Local</i></a>,<br />
<blockquote class="tr_bq">According to sexologist Bente Træen at the University of Tromsø, men's sexuality is considered to be more stable while women's is more affected by surroundings and by menstruation. She argued that while men produce testosterone all the time, female hormones affecting sexual interest increase as the amount of daylight increases. "This is connected to the feeling of being in love and the secretion of dopamine, which stimulates the pleasure centre in the brain."</blockquote>I'm intrigued by the fluidity of female sexuality, also addressed in this <a href="http://www.nytimes.com/2007/04/10/science/10desi.html?pagewanted=all" target="_blank"><i>New York Times</i></a> feature on male and female sexuality: <br />
<a name='more'></a><blockquote class="tr_bq">“Men have a consistently high sex drive,” said Richard A. Lippa, a professor of psychology at California State University in Fullerton, “while in women you see more low sex drive and more high sex drive.”<br />
<br />
Women’s sexual fluidity extends beyond the strength of desire, he said, to encompass the objects of that desire. In his survey, heterosexual women who rated their sex drive as high turned out to have an increased attraction to women as well as to men.<br />
<br />
“This is not to say that all women are bisexual,” Dr. Lippa said. “Most of the heterosexual women would still describe themselves as more attracted to men than to women.” Still, the mere presence of a hearty sexual appetite seemed to expand a heterosexual woman’s appreciation of her fellow women’s forms. By contrast, the men were more black-and-white in their predilections. If they were straight and had an especially high sex drive, that concupiscence applied only to women; if gay, to other men. <br />
<br />
Dr. Diamond of the University of Utah also has evidence that women’s sexual attractions are, as she put it, “more nonexclusive than men’s.”<br />
<br />
One factor that may contribute to women’s sexual ambidextrousness, some researchers suggest, is the intriguing and poorly understood nonspecificity of women’s physical reactions to sexual stimuli. As Dr. Chivers of the Center for Addiction and Mental Health and other researchers have found, women and men show very divergent patterns of genital arousal while viewing material with sexual content.<br />
<br />
For men, there is a strong concordance between their physiological and psychological states. If they are looking at images that they describe as sexually arousing, they get erections. When the images are not to their expressed taste or sexual orientation, however, their genitals remain unmoved.<br />
<br />
For women, the correlation between pelvic and psychic excitement is virtually nil. Women’s genitals, it seems, respond to all sex, all the time. Show a woman scenes of a man and a woman having sex, or two women having sex, or two men, or even two bonobos, Dr. Chivers said, and as a rule her genitals will become measurably congested and lubricated, although in many cases she may not be aware of the response.<br />
<br />
Ask her what she thinks of the material viewed, however, and she will firmly declare that she liked this scene, found that one repellent, and, frankly, the chimpanzee bit didn’t do it for her at all. </blockquote><br />
This is fascinating on "the tragedy of the male sex drive:" <br />
<blockquote class="tr_bq">Some researchers say that on average, male sexual desire is not only stronger than women’s, but also more constant from hour to hour, day to day. They point to a significant body of research suggesting a certain cyclic nature to female desire, and some say women only begin to attain masculine heights of lustiness during the few days of the month that they are fertile.<br />
<br />
Studies have indicated, for example, that women are likelier to fantasize about sex, masturbate, initiate sex with their mates, wear provocative clothing and frequent singles bars right around ovulation than at any other time of the month. Women obviously can, and do, have sex outside their window of reproductive opportunity, but it makes good Darwinian sense, Dr. Wallen said, for them to have some extra oomph while they are fertile.<br />
<br />
Men, by contrast, are generally fecund all month long, and they are theoretically ever anxious to share that bounty with others, a state of perpetual readiness that Roy F. Baumeister, a psychology professor at Florida State University, described as “the tragedy of the male sex drive.” </blockquote><br />
A couple other interesting tidbits:<br />
<blockquote>Conventional wisdom has it that a woman’s libido is stifled by unhappiness, anxiety or anger, but the survey showed that about 25 percent of women used sex to lift them out of a bad mood or to resolve a marital spat. </blockquote><br />
And this debunking the myth that women look at faces, and men at genitals: <br />
<blockquote>Regardless of gender or relative genital congestion, people attend almost reflexively to sexual imagery. In an effort to trace that response back to the body’s premier sex organ, Kim Wallen and his colleagues at Emory University in Atlanta have performed brain scans on volunteers as the subjects viewed a series of sexually explicit photographs. The researchers discovered that men’s and women’s brains reacted differently to the images. Most notably, men showed far more activity than women did in the amygdala, the almond-contoured brain sector long associated with powerful emotions like fear and anger rather than with anything erotic. <br />
<br />
Heather Rupp, a graduate student in Dr. Wallen’s lab, tried to determine whether the divergent brain responses were a result of divergent appraisals, of men and women focusing on different parts of the same photographs. “We hypothesized, based on common lore, that women would look at faces, and men at genitals,” Dr. Wallen said.<br />
<br />
But on tracking the eye movements of study participants as they sized up erotic photographs, Ms. Rupp dashed those prior assumptions. “<b>The big surprise was that men looked at the faces much more than women did,” Dr. Wallen said, “and both looked at the genitals comparably.</b>” [my emphasis]<br />
<br />
The researchers had also predicted that men would be more drawn than women to close-up views of genitalia, but it turned out that everybody flipped past them as quickly as possible. Women lingered longer and with greater stated enjoyment than did their male counterparts on photographs of men performing oral sex on women; and they noticed more fashion details. “We got spontaneous reports from the women that we never got from the males, comments like ‘I would have liked the photos better if the people didn’t have those ridiculous ‘70s hairstyles,’ ” Dr. Wallen said. </blockquote><br />
Check out the entire feature here: <a href="http://www.nytimes.com/2007/04/10/science/10desi.html?pagewanted=all">Birds Do It. Bees Do It. People Seek the Keys to It. </a>Annehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01216616459705692371noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-241470552116286331.post-44645725566769920462012-05-29T11:16:00.000-05:002012-05-29T11:19:07.855-05:00Stranger-Danger Message Puts Kids at Risk<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjbX4X6d4sioe6xvrvEySbRHZKvgqW5ysB7IRppJCdopiR-taDFmahtkdnkpP_l5EI9OK3yTNpX4gHOZlb2YfCT8c2IN5mxEOb36goDjgKPBWv6nw5sKp-CLBpK4t6bskf7w_3ZrVRTaULp/s1600/etan24_custom.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="193" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjbX4X6d4sioe6xvrvEySbRHZKvgqW5ysB7IRppJCdopiR-taDFmahtkdnkpP_l5EI9OK3yTNpX4gHOZlb2YfCT8c2IN5mxEOb36goDjgKPBWv6nw5sKp-CLBpK4t6bskf7w_3ZrVRTaULp/s320/etan24_custom.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
The <a href="http://www.npr.org/blogs/thetwo-way/2012/05/24/153564817/man-has-implicated-himself-in-etan-patz-murder-ny-police-say" target="_blank">arrest of a man who's confessed to killing 6-year old Etan Patz</a> in 1979 has gotten people abuzz about the dangers of strangers. "Stranger-danger, remember?!" I overheard a mom warn her daughter at the playground on the beach this past weekend. But children are <a href="http://online.wsj.com/article/SB10001424052748704013604576247021572489398.html" target="_blank">rarely abducted by strangers</a>. In fact, the vast majority is <a href="http://www.nytimes.com/2012/05/25/nyregion/man-claims-he-strangled-etan-patz-police-say.html?_r=1" target="_blank">abducted by family members</a>. Likewise, in <a href="http://www.lovesexfamily.com/2011/10/when-warped-fear-of-pedophiles-turns-to.html">90% of all instances of child sexual abuse, the offender knows the child</a>. Nevertheless, the stranger-danger message continues to feed a fear instilled culture. But it does not help protect children. Reports <a href="http://www.npr.org/2012/05/24/153623769/the-face-that-changed-the-search-for-missing-kids" target="_blank">NPR</a>:<br />
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
<b>Fear doesn't work. </b>Don't simply tell kids to avoid talking to strangers, because they'll encounter lots of them, whether it's bus drivers or parents of other children. Teach them how to interact with strangers — and also when to feel wary around people they already know. Trying to supervise kids constantly may be less effective than teaching them how to look out for themselves.</blockquote>
<a name='more'></a>Teaching children to stand up for themselves around those they know and don't know, including by kicking and screaming — "A generation ago, law enforcement told children to follow orders from threatening adults. Today, their advice is to raise a fuss to avoid getting in a car." — involves empowering children to be attuned to what feels right or not to them physically and emotionally. Children who are informed about their bodies are better equipped to maintain healthy boundaries. <br />
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
<b>Keep lines of communication open.</b> If children say they're uncomfortable around an adult or teenager, take them seriously. And, even if it's uncomfortable, teach your children about sex and private parts. "Kids who know the names of body parts are less likely to be victimized," says Patty Wetterling of the Minnesota Department of Health. "It's what you don't talk about that scares kids the most."</blockquote>
Positive information about sex helps keep children safe from abuse. It empowers them to determine what feels right to them and what feels wrong. And to report wrong behavior. Notes <a href="http://www.smith-lawfirm.com/sex_ed.html" target="_blank">Patricia C. Wass, a Sexual Assault Crisis Services Coordinator</a>: <br />
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
In the majority of cases, children never tell anyone what has happened to them. Why? Because it doesn’t feel safe to tell. Talking about sex at all is taboo in many families; if a child can’t talk about healthy sexuality and normal bodily functions comfortably, how can a little girl or boy ever tell someone about sexual abuse? If parents get hysterical when they find their children touching themselves or exploring each others’ bodies out of normal curiosity, how will they react if their child tells them that Uncle Fred or Grampa or Mr. Smith next door has touched them inappropriately – or worse? Children pick up very subtle cues from their parents; if sex is never talked about, or if parents have reacted disapprovingly to any mention of sex or sexualized behavior in their children, then children will be very reluctant to tell if they’ve been abused.</blockquote>
A child deserves to be supported in figuring out what kinds of touch feel right to her and which feel wrong. But the stranger-danger myth that cast offenders as "these monsters, people who rape, murder and abduct strangers" can prohibit children from recognizing and naming wrong touch. Explains <a href="http://www.salon.com/2011/11/12/why_didnt_mcqueary_call_the_police/">Joan Tabachnick</a>, author of the National Sexual Violence Resource Center’s <a href="http://www.nsvrc.org/publications/nsvrc-publications/engaging-bystanders-sexual-violence-prevention" target="_blank">guide</a>:<br />
<blockquote>
So if the abuser is somebody you care about and respect, there’s a cognitive dissonance: “Can they really be doing this monstrous thing when they’re not a monster?” When I did some interviews with offenders in prison, I remember one minister saying that even when he was sexually abusing a child, he asked the child, “Is this good touch or bad touch?” and the child said, “Because it’s you and you’re a good man, it must be good touch.” ... Because we have moved more and more toward monsterizing the offender, it’s actually limiting our ability to prevent child sexual abuse. The more we make sex offenders into monsters, the less likely we are able to see behaviors in people we love that give us concern.</blockquote>
Images and stories of Pedro Hernandez who was arrested before the weekend for killing Etan Patz after luring him into a basement with the promise of a soda are currently flooding the media. Let that not cloud the real truth of who most offenders are and how we can enable children to protect themselves against them. Apparently, the image of a lurking stranger is that much more enticing to the media. But it is our responsibility to face the ugly truth that in most cases it is no stranger who harms children. And it is our responsibility to equip children with the adequate tools with which to own their bodies. To stand up for themselves and trust that they will be listened to when reporting.Annehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01216616459705692371noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-241470552116286331.post-70105860866424575602012-05-21T08:00:00.000-05:002012-05-21T08:07:51.180-05:00Separate Beds Make for Happier Couples? {featured read}<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhMFh_5_fZJbspFGyWwFUHV6yf2BwbBPHJurlnT7Er3pUh726anJA8wZM4E8MCbmq9ga6fo8Cl7KabBf_I2vDHf05sw2SwarONvUoFMdiu3aC5_NjjqmgTVmPIsXS2jVLSJflDNn-2CyGTq/s1600/2beds0520.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="239" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhMFh_5_fZJbspFGyWwFUHV6yf2BwbBPHJurlnT7Er3pUh726anJA8wZM4E8MCbmq9ga6fo8Cl7KabBf_I2vDHf05sw2SwarONvUoFMdiu3aC5_NjjqmgTVmPIsXS2jVLSJflDNn-2CyGTq/s320/2beds0520.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
Our paper ran a feature this past weekend on how <a href="http://www.startribune.com/lifestyle/151965975.html">separate sleep keeps the peace for couples</a>. Apparently, about 25 % of all couples already do sleep in different beds or bedrooms, and it makes good sense to me. Different reading-in-bed habits. Snoring. Oven hot bodies. Squirminess. And more. For me, whether I share a bed with my husband or not at night has nothing to do with the quality of our sex life. On the contrary, separate rooms might spice things up. And allow us both to indulge a bit more in our own idiosyncratic preferences. Had we the space, I'd vote for it.<br />
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I'd like to hear what you all think. Check out the article with input from various separate-bed couples and tell me what you think in my comments section below. <br />
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Featured read: <a href="http://www.startribune.com/lifestyle/151965975.html">A separate sleep keeps the peace</a>Annehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01216616459705692371noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-241470552116286331.post-48087059980088872332012-05-14T08:00:00.000-05:002012-05-14T08:00:13.800-05:00Teen Sexuality, Becoming a Feminist, and Riot Grrrl {featured read}<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjsdDONx0li2hwy5bauxELZEA7S4y5Kx-0tbJo4fAQ5Cu5tDobDddTNXDSB7h2iUOmqccOH3xNPQcTJyexEgkXWBc_eKaiVaSS4TFCqAAg9z9AJBZrniLdZcPHtC14uvuPcxAXsrmEvi5c-/s1600/374078_401103973242017_111754795510271_1549659_1806752428_n.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjsdDONx0li2hwy5bauxELZEA7S4y5Kx-0tbJo4fAQ5Cu5tDobDddTNXDSB7h2iUOmqccOH3xNPQcTJyexEgkXWBc_eKaiVaSS4TFCqAAg9z9AJBZrniLdZcPHtC14uvuPcxAXsrmEvi5c-/s1600/374078_401103973242017_111754795510271_1549659_1806752428_n.jpg" /></a></div>Tomas Moniz of <a href="http://raddadzine.blogspot.com/">Rad Dad 22</a> has written <a href="http://raddadzine.blogspot.com/2012/04/riot-parent-riot-kids-reflections-on.html" target="_blank">a powerful essay</a> on becoming a feminist, teaching his teenage girls about sexuality, and in general navigating class, race, politics, and warped attitudes to fathering. I heartily recommend the entire piece. Below is an excerpt. <br />
<br />
<i><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman";">The other day I found myself exclaiming to my two daughters, sixteen and fourteen respectively, don’t have sex until you’re in your twenties, but here are some condoms. </span></i> <br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.1pt; text-indent: 0.25in;"><i><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman";">I’m not sure if there is a better example of sending a mixed message.</span></i></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.1pt; text-indent: 0.25in;"><i><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman";">I should explain. The other night I discovered my oldest daughter had spent the night with her boyfriend. </span></i></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.1pt; text-indent: 0.25in;"><i><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman";">Now, I have consistently brought up sex with them and with their older brother who now lives on his own with a gaggle of twenty something young men in West Oakland. And I have consistently been rebuffed, scoffed at, silenced by their stares, punctuated with a rolling of the eyes or a sigh of exhaustion.</span></i></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.1pt; text-indent: 0.25in;"><i><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman";">‘Dad, please…..’</span></i></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.1pt; text-indent: 0.25in;"><i><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman";">But I don’t let it stop me. I know I’m not someone they want to confide in, and I actually cringe thinking about it if they did. But I want to approach the discussion of their bodies, their rights, sex in general differently than the terse warning I received from my father to keep my dick in my pants or the silence around the subject from my mother.</span></i><br />
<a name='more'></a></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.1pt; text-indent: 0.25in;"><i><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman";">There is nothing wrong with sex; it’s powerful and beautiful and a profound ritual of entering adulthood.</span></i></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.1pt; text-indent: 0.25in;"><i><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman";">Clearly, it’s also something they see all around them so to pretend they aren’t aware of it, even that they don’t have opportunities to engage in it, would be blatant denial. </span></i></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.1pt; text-indent: 0.25in;"><i><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman";">And parenting by denial is never a good approach to raising children.</span></i></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.1pt; text-indent: 0.25in;"><i><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman";">However, even though I broach the subject any chance I get, we don’t actually talk as directly as I’d like. And that’s why I know I need help, from other adults in our lives to examples of people or movements reclaiming the body, offering other ways to view sex, that might empower young women.</span></i></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.1pt; text-indent: 0.25in;"><i><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman";">Sadly, there’s not a lot out there for them; besides a few adult women in their lives that they can turn to in need, there is almost nothing in mainstream society that speaks to young women about their growth and desires in sex positive, yet realistic and honest ways.</span></i></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.1pt; text-indent: 0.25in;"><i><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman";">So I find myself saying things like, I don’t think you should have sex until you’re older; however, here are condoms </span></i></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.1pt; text-indent: 0.25in;"><i><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman";">But now I also add every chance I get, and remember…</span></i></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.1pt; text-indent: 0.25in;"><i><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman";">Remember…</span></i></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.1pt; text-indent: 0.25in;"><i><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman";">Please, remember…</span></i></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.1pt; text-indent: 0.25in;"><i><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman";">…you can always stop, you can always say no, even after you’re in the car, in the room, out of your clothes, in the bed. </span></i></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.1pt; text-indent: 0.25in;"><i><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman";">No means no.</span></i></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.1pt; text-indent: 0.25in;"><i><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman";">Stop means stop. </span></i></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.1pt; text-indent: 0.25in;"><i><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman";">In an attempt to provide those positive examples of body ownership and empowerment, I searched out zines about self--defense, about sexual abuse, about sex positive experiences, things written by other young women. </span></i></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.1pt; text-indent: 0.25in;"><i><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman";">And then, I rediscovered Riot Grrrl. The ferocity, the anger, the arrogance. There is one image of a group of young women holding hands, one without clothes, across her chest and belly black marker declares: Every Girl is a Riot Grrrl. [...]</span></i></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.1pt; text-indent: 0.25in;"><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.1pt; text-indent: 0.25in;"><i><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman";">I was never a riot grrrl but because of them I was forced to think closely about what I let my son do at ten and what I let my daughters do at the same age. Because of Riot Grrrl, I challenged myself to address sex in positive, open ways; I encouraged my son and my daughters to speak with other adults in their lives if they couldn’t speak to their mother or me.</span></i></div><i><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman";">Things can be hard to discuss, but I want the courage to do it. [...]</span></i></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.1pt; text-indent: 0.25in;"><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.1pt; text-indent: 0.25in;"><i><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman";">So I work hard to see my daughters both as young women and as individual people, not limited to their gender, but not disconnected from it, to respect my children’s autonomy and privacy as young people. </span></i></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0.1pt 0in; text-indent: 0.25in;"><i><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman";">I am learning to let go of my kids and trust their power.</span></i></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0.1pt 0in; text-indent: 0.25in;"><i><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman";">I am learning to keep on talking despite feeling uncomfortable.</span></i></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0.1pt 0in; text-indent: 0.25in;"><i><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman";">I am learning to listen to them.</span></i></div><i><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman";">I am still learning about myself through fathering. </span></i></div><br />
Read the whole essay here: <a href="http://raddadzine.blogspot.com/2012/04/riot-parent-riot-kids-reflections-on.html">Riot Parent, Riot Kids Reflections on Teen Sexuality, Becoming a Feminist, and Riot Grrrl by Tomas Moniz from Rad Dad 22</a>. You'll find it well worth your time.Annehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01216616459705692371noreply@blogger.com0