Undersage Sex? It's Not a Big Problem | Guardian {featured read}

In response to new research on the number of youth who have sex in England comes this refreshing commentary about the situation of sex among youth there, presenting an uplifting contrast to the negative situation of underage sex in the US as portrayed in Dirty Little Secrets.

Excerpt:
It is true that underage sexual activity in girls is rising at a higher rate than in boys, but I don't believe underage sex is an inherent problem; the age of consent is largely arbitrary. If a girl has safe consensual sex with another girl or boy at 15, both are happy and there are no significant power-imbalances – that's fine. [...]

Like [shadow health minister Diane] Abbott, I am concerned about pornification, the way in which much mainstream porn presents women. I'm concerned that young women believe there is one right way to look during sex, and about the persistent tendency of mainstream media to present sexual activity between women as titillation for male viewers.

However, girls don't just have sex because they view themselves as "sex objects": teenage and even pre-teenage girls have sexual desires of their own. Sex isn't necessarily something that is done to girls, because they view themselves as sexual objects; it can be initiated and enjoyed by them. Indeed, the reason underage sex among girls is rising could be due to female sexuality becoming less taboo.
Read More at the Guaridan >>

Scarlet Road {featured film}

Scarlet Road Video from Paradigm Pictures on Vimeo.

Scarlet Road follows the work of Australian sex worker Rachel Wotton who specializes in a long over-looked clientele: people with disability.

Impassioned about freedom of sexual expression, Australian sex worker Rachel Wotton has become highly specialized in working with clients with disability. Rachel’s philosophy, that human touch and sexual intimacy can be some of the most therapeutic aspects to our existence, is making a dramatic impact on the lives of her clients ... While Rachel’s clients give a glimpse into their sexual self-discovery, Scarlet Road follows Rachel as she strives to increase awareness and access to sexual expression for people with disability. Rachel is also an active campaigner for both policy makers and the general public to recognise that sex work is work. She has been a part of an international movement to try to gain rights for sex workers and to end the social stigma and discriminatory practices that surround their occupation.

Dirty Little Secrets: The Flip Side of Denying Girls Pleasure {featured book}

Based on interviews with young women and solid research, Dirty Little Secrets: Breaking the Silence on Teenage Girls and Promiscuity (2011) unpacks, despite its title, not simply the subject of promiscuous girls, but in general how young women in our culture are denied the opportunity to develop a sexual identity on their own terms. Instead girls (and many women) see their identities as tied up with how boys (/men) view them, never quite measuring up. Above all, it shows how girls, taught not to be sexual, often have sex not for the sake of their own sexual pleasure, but to be accepted, seen, and, ironically, rescued from their belief that they are not good enough as they are.

The author, Kerry Cohen, is a practicing psychotherapist and once a "loose girl" herself; many will know her as the author of Loose Girl: A Memoir of Promiscuity (2008). As Cohen shows, the perpetuation of a "cultural narrative" that teaches young girls that "boys are horny, but girls are not, and so girls must do what they can to keep boys and their out-of-control hormones at bay," doesn't keep girls "safe" at all. Because "when you deny a group of people an essential part of who they are, a part they have full right to, they often wind up using it in a self-destructive manner rather than a natural part of their development." Moreover, telling girls to be "sexy but not sexual" greatly outweighs any attention to what might be "a natural, authentic sense of their sexual identity."

The Purity Myth {featured film}

The Purity Myth Trailer from Media Education Foundation on Vimeo.

The Purity Myth: The Virginity Movement's War Against Women is a video adaptation of pioneering feminist blogger Jessica Valenti's bestselling book.

[The film] trains her sights on "the virginity movement" -- an unholy alliance of evangelical Christians, right-wing politicians, and conservative policy intellectuals who have been exploiting irrational fears about women's sexuality to roll back women's rights. From dad-and-daughter "purity balls," taxpayer-funded abstinence-only curricula, and political attacks on Planned Parenthood, to recent attempts by legislators to de-fund women's reproductive health care and narrow the legal definition of rape, Valenti identifies a single, unifying assumption: the myth that the worth of a woman depends on what she does -- or does not do -- sexually. In the end, Valenti argues that the health and well-being of women are too important to be left to ideologues bent on vilifying feminism and undermining women's autonomy.

 Find out more about Valenti and her film here.

Ask Anything, Tell All | Washington Monthly {featured read}

"Is sex columnist Dan Savage a shock jock, a sagacious ethicist, or both?" Washington Monthly brings us this astute profile of Dan Savage, which shows his wide cultural influence as a new (but radically different) Ann Landers. It is a must-read for how it unpacks Savage's sexual ethics. (Republished by the Utne Reader, Sept-Oct 2011).

Excerpt:
After 20 years of churning out Savage Love, the Seattle writer can lay a legitimate claim to being America’s most influential advice columnist. He is syndicated around the world in more than 70 newspapers—mainly alternative weeklies in the United States—with well over 1 million in total circulation. Online, he reaches millions more readers. He is a frequent contributor to the popular radio program This American Life, and a Savage Love television show is under discussion with MTV. His podcast has a higher iTunes ranking than those of Rachel Maddow or the NBC Nightly News, and his books have sold briskly. And when it suits him, the range of his commentary has become increasingly broad. In the space of one column—the one where he announced his purchase of Ann Landers’ desk—Savage offered advice to a 30-year-old woman who wanted to sleep with a 17-year-old coworker, fielded a question from a man with a childbirth fetish, and then, for good measure, advised the Bush administration to take a harder stance on Saudi Arabia.

Savage’s ability to mobilize legions of readers has also matured beyond the lobbing of incendiary Google bombs. Last fall, a streak of suicides by gay teenagers across the country inspired Savage and his husband, Terry Miller, to post a video testimonial on YouTube. The two men recounted their difficulties growing up bullied and harassed, then held up their adult lives—and happiness as a couple—as evidence that, for gay people living in America, “it gets better.” Savage encouraged other people to film their own testimonials and post them online under the heading of the “It Gets Better Project.” A torrent of videos poured in, first from Savage’s regular readers, then from various Hollywood celebrities, and then from leaders in Washington. Hillary Clinton was quickly followed by Nancy Pelosi and President Obama himself, who delivered the line “Every day, it gets better” from the White House.
Read More at Utne Reader >>

Look God, No Hands | Bust {featured read}

"Dirty Girls Ministries," led by 26-year-old Crystal Renaud, is on a crusade against the evils of female masturbation. The fierce magazine Bust has looked more closely at the current Christian anti-porn, anti-masturbation movement and how it affects young women. (Republished by the Utne Reader, Sept-Oct 2011).

Excerpt:
The No Stones recovery group is part of an organization called Dirty Girls Ministries that Renaud launched in 2009 after suffering from her own self-described pornography addiction. She says she wanted to help other women recover from their X-rated fixations by connecting with them online and holding meetings at her local church. But her use of the terms porn and addiction may be misleading. The growing group of 100-plus members who participate in the forums say that they masturbate or view porn—which they define as including erotica and romance novels—twice a week or less. For most of us, that would hardly be considered excessive. But to Renaud, it indicates an epidemic of addiction, one that can be treated by helping women stay “clean” of masturbation.

In addition to the online ministry, she speaks regularly at various evangelical churches in Kansas and has written a book called Dirty Girls Come Clean. “Whether you believe it or not, women are addicted to porn,” Renaud preached in a recent sermon. “You’d be surprised at how many women—women in your own lives—are hiding this deep, dark, and dirty secret.”

While many of the women she counsels report turning to pornography as a form of escape—from traumas like sexual abuse, infidelity, and even prostitution—Renaud compares their masturbation to alcoholism, saying that “like drugs and alcohol, so many things that feel good in a short amount of time can end up hurting you.”

Renaud’s advocacy is labeled antipornography, but it aims to treat all masturbation, whether it involves porn or not. When you peel back the layers, the core of her crusade is against sexual thought—even within marriage—unless those thoughts are about your husband while you are engaging in intercourse with him.
Read More at Utne Reader >>

X-Rated Ethics | Green Futures {featured read}

This is a fascinating article from Green Futures, the leading British magazine on environmental solutions and sustainable futures, about how socially sustainable sex work could save the economy, the environment, and our society. (Republished by the Utne Reader, Sept-Oct 2011).

Excerpt:
There’s certainly an ugly side to the sex industry. Exploitation and trafficking play a part—but the common assumption that sex work is inherently dangerous or degrading can, with bitter irony, actually make life harder for those involved. In November 2010, The Economist, citing a report by Human Rights Watch, warned that international laws designed to suppress human trafficking and sexual exploitation—leading to the closure of bars and brothels—have “helped the police to beat, rob, and rape sex workers with impunity.” The magazine asserted: “Most migrant sex workers have left home for good reasons of their own—among them a desire to work away from their families, and to earn more money.” Catherine Stephens of the International Union of Sex Workers agrees. “It’s not only inaccurate to suggest that the majority of sex workers do not choose their profession,” she argues: “it’s patronizing and disempowering.”

According to stereotypes, men who pay for sex are on a power trip. But in the vast majority of cases, says Belinda Brooks-Gordon, author of The Price of Sex: Prostitution, Policy and Society, the reality is very different. For many johns, “mutuality is part of the attraction. . . . Sex workers [actually] get bored by constant interrogation [from clients] about their well-being.”
Read More at Utne Reader >>

Why Children Don't Tell

Steward uses these dolls to
teach children how to tell
someone if they are ever abused.

The Penn State child sex abuse scandal has gotten people asking not only how witnesses could fail to report the crimes they saw committed against the young boys, but also why the victims didn't tell. So why didn't they? Explains the Pennsylvania Coalition Against Rape (PCAR):

Just because a child does not disclose or initially denies sexual abuse doesn't mean it is not happening. Sexual abuse is a secret crime, one that usually has no witnesses. Shame, secrecy, and fear keep a child from disclosing the abuse. Victims of child sexual abuse are often unable to trust, which contributes to secrecy and non-disclosure. Often, children do not tell about sexual abuse because they:

• are too young to recognize their victimization or put it into words
• were threatened or bribed by the abuser
• feel confused by fearing the abuse but liking the attention
• are afraid no one will believe them
• blame themselves or believe the abuse is punishment for being "bad"
• feel guilty for consequences to the perpetrator

(Quoted from PCAR's "Child Sexual Abuse" brochure).

As PCAR also states, education is the best defense against child sexual assault. "An educated child has the ability to recognize dangerous/uncomfortable situations and will be more likely to tell you if abuse has occurred."

Pregnant with Desire: A Review of Madison Young’s Documentary {featured film}

This summary is not available. Please click here to view the post.

Snow Patrol: This Isn't Everything You Are {featured video}

For a little Friday sexy fun: watch for moving and inspiring erotic dance at a tango club in Buenos Aires about a minute and a half into the video. I love that it features a diversity of couples as well, young and old, straight and queer.

Stranger-Danger Message Puts Kids at Risk of Abuse

Honoring the victims

“There are perverts out there,” said an attorney in town to our local newspaper addressing the issue of an age limit policy on “toplessness” at our city’s pool. In a culture with as warped views on human sexuality as ours, I actually don’t question that there are perverts around. It’s just that in 90% of all instances of child sexual abuse, the abuser knows the child. Child sex abusers are fathers, mothers, stepparents, grandparents, uncles, cousins, neighbors, babysitters, spiritual leaders, coaches. Like Penn State coach Jerry Sandusky who is finally facing charges after abusing eight young boys over a 15-year period. Caught 9 years ago by a witness in the locker room showers having anal sex with a 10-year-old boy, the abuse has been silenced for years by his supervisors who turned a blind eye to the abuse. Despite reports of inappropriate behavior on behalf of Sandusky since the late 90s.

People do that all the time. “He’s so good with the boys, we know and trust their coach.”

It’s exactly this kind of trust of which child abusers take advantage. Notes columnist Gail Rosenblum, "The grand jury report is a sickening synopsis of the methodical workings of a sexual predator." As the founder of the Second Mile, a group foster home to help troubled boys, Sandusky ingratiated himself with the boys and, often, their mothers, by giving them gifts and treating them to football games, and by inviting them to eat in the dining hall with Penn State athletes and to Sandusky family picnics and on walks with the family dog. "Soon it wasn't odd at all that the boys were left alone with Sandusky, in the locker-room showers, or sleeping overnight in his basement, according to the report."

The problem with the "stranger-danger" message is that "we cannot get our hands around the ugly truth, which is that, in so many cases, it is no stranger who harms them."

Comprehensive Sex Ed Bill Introduced in House and Senate | Tiny Nibbles {featured news}

On November 1, a comprehensive sex education bill was introduced in the US House and Senate. Writes sex columnist Violet Blue at Tiny Nibbles: "it is not at all what I expected. It’s exactly what I’ve always hoped for."

It is the singlemost important piece of legislation for the public health sector in regard to preventing unintended pregnancy, sexually transmitted infections, sexual abuse, dating violence, bullying, fostering healthy relationships, and providing accurate sexual health information. It would -finally- disallow the US government to spend money on or promote programs that withhold information about HIV, are medically inaccurate or proven ineffective, promote gender stereotypes, are insensitive and unresponsive to the needs of sexually active or LGBT youth, or are inconsistent with ethical imperatives of medicine and public health. (This is the current state of affairs.)

Use this link to send your representatives a letter telling them to support HR 3324 – Healthy Youth Act. Please, please, please spread the word.

 Read More at Tiny Nibbles >>

Can America's Attitude Towards Sex Get Any Worse? (Or, What Happened When My Son Said 'Breast' in Pre-School) | AlterNet {featured read}

Few topics generate as much terror in America as sex, unless it is sex+children+education. Perhaps that is why sometimes even the most caring parents prefer to let schools (or as the case may be, porn) to provide the instructions. Quite simply, we are accustomed to allowing our children to view violence early on, but teaching them about the science or pleasure of our bodies dampens confidence quicker than a cold shower on a freezing day. We squirm, we deny, we laugh nervously and freak out frequently.

I am the mother of two and a relationship writer, so it is no surprise that I’m often approached to answer questions or offer advice. Equally likely are the more disquieting moments when someone hears just how ‘open’ I’ve been with my own children (by open I mean answering their questions directly, simply and truthfully). More than once I’ve been on the receiving end of an indignant stare, the kind that with one raised eyebrow says, oh-no-you-didn’t-just-tell-your-kid-that.
Read More at AlterNet >>

The Pill and Relationship Satisfaction, aka the power of interpretation | Scientific American {featured read}

I sometimes think I could write an entirely different blog, devoted entirely to oral contraceptives. I don’t know that it would make any difference, but there is just SO much misinformation out there. Similarly, I sometimes feel I could devote an entire blog to debunking over-interpreted science. The two blogs would frequently overlap.

There’s just so much misinformation about “the Pill”. And there seems almost to be glee in the way people spread it. No one seems to spread this kind of misinformation about condoms. Or Nyquil. Or cholesterol medications. There’s something about taking a PILL (condoms don’t seem to have this, and the Ring has it less, too, I think because those are physical things and thus give themselves to a different mindset) that just makes people feel they are messing with their physiology, messing with their MINDS, messing with themSELVES, and feel it on another level entirely. Even psychiatric medications, it seems to me, don’t get this kind of bad rap.
Read More at Scientific American >>

The Womanly Heartaches of Bleeding, Infertility, and Miscarriages

Infertility

I've written about the womanly art of bleeding. But what often goes in silence are the pains and heartaches many women experience on a regular basis as their bodies cycle through their periods. The swelling and the cramping, worsened for many by fibroids and uterine thickening, and the emotional effects of the hormone shifts.

And then there's the bleeding women don't want to see when it becomes a message of infertility or the dramatic experience of miscarriage.

Unbeknownst to the public, Anna Arrowsmith, also known as feminist pornographer Anna Span, has endured much of all of this over the years. Suffering on a regular basis from intense period pains and prolonged bleeding as a result of adenomyosis (endometriosis interna), she has over the last three years also gone through the added exaggerated effects of hormone treatments and IVF with its high hopes and wrenching losses. Four IVF cycles, four pregnancies, four successfully detected heartbeats, then no more.

And nobody knew. When Anna was actively campaigning last year as a Liberal Democrat Candidate for Gravesham in Kent, advocating for comprehensive human sexuality education among other issues, nobody knew all that she was suffering off the political scene.

Then after a dramatic conclusion to the fourth pregnancy this fall followed by near fatal illness due to treatments she'd received to keep the pregnancy going (by suppressing her immune system), Anna's husband Tim Arrowsmith last month finally posted about their experiences and they both shared his post on Twitter. 

As Anna commented in her tweet sharing Tim's post, the topic of infertility is still a bit taboo. For that reason, the couple sharing their experiences with it is all the more significant. As Tim writes, his hope is that "some of this may resonate with some of you who have had similar experiences and might promote a bit more open discussion of a taboo subject, even amongst friends."

Busted! Gender Myths in the Bedroom & Beyond | Live Science {featured read}

The difference in men's and women's attitudes toward sex are often taken for granted. Men want sex, women want commitment; men look for attractive mates and women go after social status.

But not all psychologists are on board with these gender-essentialist statements.

In a new review, University of Michigan psychologist Terri Conley and colleagues sift through psychology studies and find gender differences aren't always as black-and-white (or pink-and-blue) as they seem. Here are six gender differences that may not be innate after all.
Read More at Live Science >>

No Bikini {featured video}

A young girl aged seven defies gender roles with inspiring results when she decides not to wear a top during a summer swim camp. Directed by Claudia Morgado Escanilla.

Faking It | Smitten Kitten {featured read}

A word to everyone, everywhere: let’s make a concentrated effort to make fake orgasms a thing of the past.

Allow me to make an observation: women in general don’t seem to be completely sexually satisfied with their partners. That’s right, I said most women. Feminist women, adventurous women, dominant women, women who have casual sex, even women who know their partner is good in bed, and all of their counterparts. Orgasm fakery is an equal-opportunity phenomenon. If it makes you angry or uncomfortable to hear it, it should. Women are capable of having orgasms, and I think we can all pretty much agree that women SHOULD be having them.
Read More at Smitten Kitten >>

When a Warped Fear of Pedophiles Turns to a Shaming of Girls

The potential presence of pedophiles has been the recurring argument against my plea that we do not shame young girls into thinking they need to cover up but boys don't. But consider this: 90% of the time the child knows her/his abuser. Do the men (and women) who argue that little girls need to cover up--"because pedophiles don't go around wearing a sign"--worry about how they themselves might react to topless little girls? And if so, how do we respond to the argument that what kids wear (or don't wear) in their own families' backyards is one thing, as opposed to what they "ought" to wear at a public pool?

Despite the stereotypes of a stranger in a trench coat hanging around the playground, the sex offender is most likely someone the child knows and trusts. Sexual abusers are fathers, mothers, stepparents, grandparents, uncles, cousins, neighbors, babysitters, coaches, and spiritual leaders.

PCAR

I quote the above from a brochure I picked up at the local fire station on "Child Sexual Abuse" (published by The Pennsylvania Coalition Against Rape (PCAR). The brochure also states that the best way to protect a child is by education:

Hotel: A Sexy, Soulful Short from Feminist Sex Shop Smitten Kitten {featured video}

The Uptown-situated woman-run sex shop Smitten Kitten in Minneapolis has released this promotional short film, which highlights the slick and sexy feel of shopping at a progressive sex shop like theirs:


Hotel: A Smitten Kitten Short from Smitten Kitten on Vimeo.

Writes high-profiled sex-positive pundit Violet Blue about this "sexy, soulful short:"

The Real Thought Provoking Meaning of Men-Ups {featured news}

Pictures from a new Men-Up calendar available for preorder from the artist have been floating around online lately. At his own site, the artist Rion Sabean, a 26-year-old photography student, explains his work as follows:

My works range between two different ends of a spectrum, both of which are held as just as important as the other. One half is overt social commentary, with most works focusing on gender and sexuality, wherein I attempt to bring light to the scrutiny and judgments of society and the nature of said society to define human beings under rigid, and closed-minded terms. My other half is rooted in deeply personal subjects relating directly to myself and my shared experiences with others, sexual or otherwise, in both an attempt to release and cope, but also to demonstrate an emotional side that exists, but is rarely seen by others.

I find Sabean's statement poignant, capturing his work in a way that is so much more meaningful than the "fun" to which, say, The Huffington Post reduces his male-up pictures:

Real Men Blame the Rapist, Not the Rape Victim

I attended this weekend's SlutWalk Minneapolis with my three-year-old daughter, because I want her to grow up knowing nobody has the right to tell her avoiding rape is her responsibility. Or that she needs to police her look and behavior but a boy does not. As another mother said, she brought her six-year-old daughter (pictured in below video) because "she wanted her daughter to know that nobody has a right to her body." Her body is hers and no one has the right to do anything to it that she doesn't want.

Heading to the walk, I told my daughter SlutWalk is about celebrating girls and women. She said we should celebrate boys too.

Photo: Mari Milewski

Indeed. We need to foster a culture where boys and girls respect and trust each other. Where girls' and boys' fears and insecurities about sexuality--including when it comes to their own budding bodies as well as those of the opposite sex--are addressed. Through positive sex education that equips both girls and boys to approach sex with knowledge, respect and integrity.

Boys who "can't help themselves" are boys who've been shamed into wrongly thinking this is in fact so.

Support SlutWalk Minneapolis! {featured news}

SlutWalk was launched after a police officer in Toronto earlier this year advised students they dress less like “sluts” to avoid sexual assault. Within months it became a global phenomenon uniting women who had enough of being told that they are the ones to blame—of being taught to police themselves instead of men being taught not to rape—of being labeled sluts as if this label justifies their mistreatment. SlutWalk has now come to Minneapolis with events this week leading up to Saturday's SlutWalk Minneapolis.

SlutWalk has empowered women to reclaim the slut word on their own terms, proving conservative professor Gail Dines wrong when she warned that “the word is so saturated with the ideology that female sexual energy deserves punishment that trying to change its meaning is a waste of precious feminist resources." Comments the feminist magazine Ms. on SlutWalk’s “reclamation of the slut label:”

Uncannily it is this very label that fuels the movement. It seems that in the reclamation of the slut label, the word has been alchemically transformed into an elixir for change.

What a Vaccine Has to Do with Sexual Shaming

Village Voice

The attacks from conservative hold against the HPV vaccine have gotten vaccine advocates in a tizzy. But the wider reaching problems with the attacks is how they pertain to the belief that vaccines and education about them lead to promiscuity.

Human papillomavirus (HPV) is the most common sexually transmitted infection and the cause of cervical cancer. Cervical cancer is on the rise, yet efforts to inform about HPV and get girls vaccinated against HPV are faced with opposition.

In response, Village Voice launched a campaign to promote information about HPV and provide support for the women at risk:

In an effort to increase communication about a virus most people don't know enough about -- and many women are too ashamed to talk about, even though pretty much every woman we know has dealt with it at some point in her life, maybe more than once, and even though it can cause cancer, and therefore we should know as much as we can about it -- let's open up a little on Twitter. Because if we all come out and say it, how ashamed can we possibly be? We're talking about the sexually transmitted virus HPV, which has been in the news a lot lately regarding a certain vaccine that Michele Bachmann is very much against.

Sex in the Classroom {featured news}

During the hormonal rage of puberty; what's best for girls and boys: co-ed or same sex classes? Without students of the opposite sex in the room, "We can just act like ourselves," says an eight-grader at a middle school in the Twin Cities where single-sex education has been introduced. Comments a school's teacher:

One key benefit of separating boys and girls is that "they act more age-appropriate." Girls in her classes are more relaxed, she said, while in the co-ed classes she used to teach, "It was always about who's trying to get a boy." (Star Tribune Sunday Sept. 11, 2011, B7)

Let's Talk About Sex {featured film}

Our culture is saturated by sex, yet we don't know how to talk about it. Launched this spring, the LET'S TALK ABOUT SEX documentary and campaign has set out to do something about that. New York-based photographer James Houston was inspired to make the film after traveling the world, and realizing that, while American teens live in a society that uses sex to sell everything from lipstick to laptops, they are rarely afforded opportunities to discuss sex in an open, honest way. Explains Houston:

Youth in the United States are facing a health crisis of high rates of pregnancy and STD’s nationwide. We are failing our children by not having healthy, productive conversations with them about sex. It is my hope that ‘LET’S TALK ABOUT SEX’ will be both the catalyst and the tool we need to start those conversations in family rooms and classrooms across the country.

Ditch the Bra and Show Nipple

Why are nipples so offensive?

I could never stand how Sarah Jessica Parker's presumably sexually liberated character in Sex and the City would always wear a bra during sex. But then there I was, one among the likes of hers; wearing a bra having sex with my husband. -- A pad cushioned nursing bra, that is, lest my breastmilk drench all of him and our bed.

Bra burning women is a myth but has become a thing to represent feminist women of the sixties and seventies.

I've always loved to sunbathe topless and never liked the restraining feel of bras. Unless I was exercising, I'd walk around brafree.

But then I became a mom. A breastmilk-leaking-mom. From practically never wearing a bra I found myself constantly wearing one -- a padded bra at that; and day and night. For three whole years.

Indie Porn Maker Stands up for Mothers' Sex

Becoming MILF

Before becoming the currently much hyped about porn-star-slash-breastfeeding-in-public-advocate, and even before she herself was pregnant, indie porn maker Madison Young created a film titled Pregnant With Desire (2010) to inspire ways in which couples can stay connected during pregnancy and after. 

Then shortly after she herself gave birth in March, Madison launched the art exhibit "Becoming MILF" highlighting our culture's warped Madonna/whore ideas about women's sexuality. (MILF was popularized by the horny boys in the teen movie American Pie; in mainstream porn it has become a sub genre that stands for "Mothers I'd Like To Fuck). Reads the description for Madison's "Becoming MILF" exhibit:

Children and Their Genitals: Fostering a Positive Relationship

(This article was originally published at Show Off Books, a Canadian press that "aims to empower women and men by presenting, through the publication of books and other media, the reality of the human body.")

I'll Show You Mine

In 2008 the medical group Surgicare (UK) saw a threefold increase in labiaplasty over the previous year, and inquiries rose sevenfold in three years. Most women asking for the surgery were in their late teens or early 20s, though as young as 10 or 11. In almost all cases, requests came from women with completely healthy vulvas, but seeking more “attractive” genitals. (Round Up: Cosmetic Surgery, Reproductive Health Matters 2010)

Now read that again: Girls as young as ten or eleven are thinking they should have their labia fixed?! As Wrenna Robertson writes in her foreword to I’ll Show You Mine (2011), imagery has the power to define reality, and so too does language. What we need today are positive and honest images and narratives of the amazing variety of female bodies and genitals in shape, size, color and texture—not just aimed at adults, but at children and youth as well.

I'll Show You Mine

A former college professor who taught women studies among other subjects, and who is the mother of a toddler daughter, I feel the acute pressure to empower my daughter to nurture a positive relationship with all of her body, including her genitals.

Talking to Your Kids About Your Sex Toys

Vibrators for me and we

I was recently approached by adult sex educator and editor of Good Vibrations Magazine, Dr. Charlie Glickman, with a question on how to talk about your sex toys with your kids. As Quizzical mama, I contribute to this magazine's Sexy Mama column and have also published excerpts from my book on new porn by women at the magazine.

I include the full version of Glickman's post in which he features my response to his question.

What Do I Tell My Child About Sex Toys?

I recently got the following email. Since I’m not a parent, I thought I’d ask a couple of our Sexy Mama writers for their insight. Check out their replies below.

=========================

My seven-year old noticed that I had a Good Vibrations sweatshirt, and she asked me, “What’s Good Vibrations, Mama?” I stammered something like, “It’s an adult toy store.” “Oh! What are adult toys?”

She’s asked me this several times, and I have no idea how to respond. We’ve talked about all the parts of her body, we’ve talked about masturbation and how it feels good but that it needs to be done in private. She knows where her clitoris is. ;) She knows about menstruation, and that babies grow in the mother’s uterus and come out through the vagina, but she doesn’t know how the baby gets there yet.

I managed to tell her that one “adult toy” was a massager that a woman uses on her clitoris to make it feel good, and she wanted to know more. I need words to tell her age-appropriate information without making anything too complicated. Help!

=========================

“Proper Swimwear” for a Toddler Girl Includes a Top?!

(This article was originally published at Good Vibrations Magazine.)

"Proper" (girly!) swimwear

At the city pool on a steamy Sunday, we were recently told by the lifeguards that our daughter, who just turned three, needs to wear a top and not just a bottom. Isn’t that taking the sexualizing of young girls to the extreme?

Really, what is going on when the nipples of a girl’s undeveloped breasts are asked to be covered? Is the case as bestselling author of three parenting books Liz Fraser poses that “the public’s media-fueled terror of pedophilia is now so strong that many parents don’t want their children to be seen naked by strangers ‘just in case’ they are photographed and put onto the internet, or peered at by sexual predators”?

A naked child has become, for many, a potential sex abuse incident, rather than the beautiful, pure thing it is, despite the reality, which is that — mercifully — abuse by pedophiles is far less prevalent than the furore that surrounds them would imply.

Continues Fraser:

Most damaging in all of this is the bizarre paradox that this whispering, blushing shunning of nakedness comes hand in hand with our culture’s obsession with sex and sexuality.

Women's Breasts Are Not Just or Always Sexual!

The Village Voice

In Canada, women are celebrating the 15th anniversary of their right to walk around topless in public. Next year, women in New York can also celebrate the 20th anniversary of their right to walk around topless in public based on the right not to be discriminated against based on their sex.

“Breasts like the entirety of women’s bodies may not always be sexual,” explains SlutWalk co-founder Heather Jarvis to the Toronto Sun.

Amazingly, they are in fact also capable of turning into enduring feeding machines. But with our culture's sexualizing of women's bodies and breasts (that even affects girls as young as toddlers who're asked to wear tops at the pool), many breastfeeding women still feel the need to hide beneath nursing tents. Though every state in the US but three (Nebraska, West Virginia and Idaho) have laws protecting the rights of breastfeeding women.

When He Wishes to Cuddle but She Wants a Quicky

The Telegraph: Men want cuddles ...

"An international survey of couples for the Kinsey Institute suggests that it's men who thrive on non-sexual physical intimacy, while women are remarkably unfussed about being cuddled," reported the Guardian earlier this week. Continued the article:

We certainly don't seem to be very good at valuing sex as a part of relationships. Over the weekend, I was surprised to read a moving confession from a man describing himself as "the rejected husband," who describes the misery and rejection of being in a relationship where sex has died. "I ache for you," he writes. "Not for sex, but for sex with you."

What the article didn't make clear, was that this specifically rejected husband is a father of three whose wife will only "reciprocate the physical contact," as he explains, "on a Saturday, long after our last child is asleep." He concedes that they have "long working days made more frenetic by three energetic kids." -- Yet he complains:

I'm tired of you being tired all the time. Do you have to go to the gym quite so often? Must you devote so much energy to the PTA?

Perhaps this rejected husband should drop the cuddly foot strokes and suggest a quicky to his wife. Perhaps the idea of "sex with you" sounds like too big of a production to her; something to be left for an occasional Saturday night.

A Mother's Sexuality: Taking Back MILF | BlogHer {featured read}

I've entertained the discussion of women as Marilyns or Jackies, generalizing to describe problems of misaligned expectations between partners, but it wasn't until I finished reading America's Queen, Jackie Kennedy Onassis' biography by Sarah Bradford, that I realized how wrong these assumptions are, and how damaging they are to women who fall into Marilyn versus Jackie discussions.

... My point is that these two women against which so many of us have measured ourselves are not points on a spectrum between virgin and whore, good and naughty, mother and home-wrecker (Marilyn may have slept with JFK, but Jackie became close to Aristotle Onassis during her sister's affair with him and never stopped competing for his attention with his lover of nine years, the soprano Maria Callas). No, these women aren't points on a two dimensional plane, they're complete beings, with their own motives, drives, goals and stories. Just like every one of us.
Read More >>

The Science of Cougar Sex: Why Older Women Lust | Time Magazine {featured read}

Men who cheat on their spouses have always enjoyed an expedient explanation: Evolution made me do it. Many articles (here is one, and here is another), especially in recent years, have explored the theory that men sleep around because evolution has programmed them to seek fertile (and, conveniently, younger) wombs.

But what about women? If it's really true that evolution can cause a man to risk his marriage, what effect does that have on women's sexuality? Read More >>

Sex and Bodily Fluids

Have you ever given a thought to the fact that in Hollywood movies, women never need to wipe off the male ejaculate that's bound to run down their thighs after sex? They just hop out of bed or get up from the floor, or wherever they've had intercourse, and jump into their clothes again; or they kiss, cuddle, and then go to sleep.

So it's perhaps not so strange that in Hollywood movies, female ejaculate is completely extinct. But what about in porn?

In Great Britain, feminist porn maker Anna Span, who at the Feminist Porn Awards in 2007 received the award for Indie Porn Pioneer, has fought the British law’s prohibition of porn featuring female ejaculation. -- Which it defines as urination and therefore obscene to portray according to the British Obscene Publications Act. After initially submitting her DVD Women Love Porn to the British Board of Film Classification (BBFC), Span received requests to remove the female ejaculation section.

Orgasmic Meditation: Practicing Sensory Awareness | BlogHer {featured read}

"In just fifteen minutes every woman can become orgasmic," the PDF promised. It was part of a press kit for a new book about sex called Slow Sex: The Art and Craft of the Female Orgasm by Nicole Daedone. That the PDF told me all kinds of other things about the book, its philosophy and practice and its author, didn't matter, all I could do was groan.

I've become weary over the years of advice writers, self-help gurus, and authors who capitalize on sex by perpetuating messages that further hinder the enjoyment of our bodies instead of helping us. You’ve seen me rail against the lie-detector techniques perpetuated by AskMen.com, GQ's sex-for-chores barter system and even this new craze with the 40 beads. I worry because these suggestions focus on sex in a way that makes it about everything but sex. Read More >>

The TSA Knows That’s a Vibe and They Don’t Care | My Pleasure {featured read}

Recently I read an article where a Transportation Safety Administration (TSA) agent discussed inspection of sex toys in luggage during airport screenings. Basically the agent said if you don’t want it inspected don’t pack it or bring it on your trip. If it is in your suitcase, it will be inspected just like any other item.

While I know TSA agents have probably seen every type of item come through the conveyor belts and x-ray machines, and nothing shocks them, I was happy to see the agent normalizing sex toys as just another item people pack and not a big deal. Read More >>

What’s The Deal With Rape Fantasies? | Kinsey Confidential {featured read}

For many “rape fantasies” seem controversial and somewhat of a social enigma. On the one hand, we are talking about rape fantasies so questions come to mind like—why would someone want to fantasize about a real-life situation which is traumatic and repugnant? On the other hand, we are also talking about rape fantasies which are unconstrained by social consequences, so can’t a person fantasize about whatever they would like to? In order to help alleviate some of the conceptual challenge for people, it may be helpful to better understand rape fantasies. Read More >>

Miss Representation {featured trailer}

Newest Miss Representation Trailer (2011 Sundance Film Festival Official Selection) from on Vimeo.

Miss Representation.org is a call-to-action campaign that seeks to empower women and girls to challenge limiting labels in order to realize their potential and transform our culture for the betterment of all.

About the film: "When the new documentary film Miss Representation premiered at the Sundance Film Festival, audiences were riveted, and Oprah Winfrey acquired its broadcast rights. Writer/Director Jennifer Siebel Newsom interwove stories from teenage girls with provocative interviews from the likes of Dr. Condoleezza Rice, Lisa Ling, Nancy Pelosi, Katie Couric, Rachel Maddow, Rosario Dawson, Dr. Jackson Katz, Dr. Jean Kilbourne, and Gloria Steinem to give us an inside look at the media and its message."

About the campaign: "American youth are being sold the concept that women and girls’ value lies in their youth, beauty and sexuality. It’s time to break that cycle of mistruths. Miss Representation.org believes that all people should be equally represented in our media, that our voices should be heard and that we should all be valued for our talents, capacity as leaders, and ability to contribute to the world at large."

Is age really just a number? | Salon {featured read}

News that "Lost's" Doug Hutchison, 51, had married a 16-year-old girl sparked outrage this week -- both over the general skeeviness of it (the groom is four years older than the bride's father), and the fact that such a partnership is actually legal with parental permission in Las Vegas. (But a marriage between two gay adults? Nope.) And a New York Times Vows item raised eyebrows after telling the story of a newlywed couple that met when the bride was a 17-year-old high school student and the groom, a John McCain staffer, was 28.

[But] what does the research into adult-teen relationships -- not to mention men and women with first-hand experience -- have to tell us? Read More >>

Strolling Topless in New York City {featured news}

The Village Voice

The news last month about a woman beating the heat by walking the streets of New York City topless delighted me not for the apparent shock value this had for many, but for its affirmation of sexual equality. Explains the NYPD Deputy Commissioner of Public Information to The Village Voice:

The state's highest court established long ago that women have the same right as men to appear topless in public. Absent a link to some commercial enterprise or promotion, the woman's lack of certain attire in this instance does not appear to be a police matter.

The National Dissemination Center for Children with Disabilities {featured resource}

The National Dissemination Center for Children with Disabilities (NICHCY) provides information on disabilities in children and youth (birth to age 22), including on the topic of sexuality; an "aspect of development that’s important not to ignore with children with or without disabilities." On this resource page you will find information on human sexuality in general, how disabilities can affect sexuality, the special role of the parent, the content to be taught, materials developed with specific disabilities in mind, and commercial products.

The Mating Call of Drunk Woo Girls

The Mating Call

Can a girl be horny and politically correct? In a keynote talk I gave a few years ago at a conference on heterosexual desire, I spoke about "the freeway speed limits of desire" that seem to affect women in particular; not above 70 miles per hour, not below 45. -- Too little desire and you're frigid, too much and you're a nymphomaniac, lacking in self-control.

In the United States, comments Mama Sutra in a recent post at Good Vibrations Magazine, it is "not acceptable for women to be overtly sexual." -- In fact, she writes; "women of any age are not permitted to appear interested in sex."

Because of this cultural view of female sexuality, American women have adapted to get what they want and preserve their persona. There is a phenomenon that I have observed in multiple heterosexual settings. I call it The Drunk American Girl Mating Call – it is a behavior exhibited by women who seek the attention, most often sexual attention, of the opposite gender. Everyone, especially men, seems to recognize this behavior without even realizing what is happening.

The Ultimate Guide to Sex and Disability {featured book}

The Ultimate Guide to Sex and Disability: For All of Us Who Live with Disabilities, Chronic Pain, and Illness is written for a broad audience of individuals who live with disabilities, pain, illness, or chronic conditions, from chronic fatigue, back pain, and asthma to spinal cord injury, hearing and visual impairment, multiple sclerosis, and more; and regardless of age, gender, or sexual orientation.

If a Teenage Girl Has Sex, Does This Means She's At Risk? | Psychology Today {featured read}

We don't like to talk about teenage girls and sex. Sure, we see it everywhere. Teenage girls in provocative clothing flood the media. They have sex on Gossip Girl and Glee. And they definitely have sex on reality shows like the The Real World and 16 and Pregnant. But when we discuss adolescent girls and sex, it is only in one way: don't have sex. This is easier than anything else. We tell teenage girls to stay away from sexual behavior and to practice abstinence. Don't have sex, we say, because we don't like to imagine them having sex. If they do, then we have to think of them as sexual creatures, and that makes us squirm.

In fact, much of the promiscuity among young women, both heterosexual and homosexual, is likely to go undetected because it makes therapists uncomfortable. When I appeared on Dr Phil to discuss two teen girls whose parents were unhappy they were having sex, the tagline next to the girls' names when they were on screen was "sexually active," as though that was a disorder or a crime of some sort. Read More >>

Sex After 50: The Naked Truth | SEXIS {featured read}

The author of Better Than I Ever Expected is back with a new book, Naked at Our Age: Talking Out Loud About Senior Sex (Seal Press), inspired by the many readers who wrote to her asking about how to deal with issues ranging from vulvar pain to breakups, illnesses such as cancer and Alzheimer’s, as well as “dating while older,” erectile dysfunction, divorce, grief, even hiring people for sex or erotc touch. The tone of the book is supportive but realistic; Price isn’t telling seniors to expect to have the exact same kinds or frequency of sex, but instead that if you’re adaptable, sex can continue (with yourself and others) for one’s entire lifetime.

Throughout the book, Price and a series of experts such as Charlie Glickman, Lou Paget, Carol Queen, and Candida Royalle offer tips related to specific queries in concise, practical responses. Price is a big sex toy advocate as well. “When I review a sex toy on my blog, I concentrate on what it does well (or is supposed to do well!), and how well it works from a senior perspective. e.g. It shouldn’t hurt arthritic wrists; it should last as long as we need without overheating or turning itself off, and more.” Read More >>

Quickies and Vibrators Make for Happy Parents

This summary is not available. Please click here to view the post.